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OUR INTIMACY USED TO BE PLEASANT

By NBF News
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I reside in Enugu and I love the good work you have been doing. Please keep it up. I need your help because ON the verge of losing interest in relationships after series of heartbreaks. For more than one year I have not been in a relationship. In fact, I have lost of all the vibes to talk to someone. Please, help me link up with someone. Here is my email [email protected]

• RAFAEL
Hello Rafael,
Thanks for your applause! You said that 'you are on the verge of losing interest after series of heartbreaks' but you have not stated what has caused your heartbreak. You have also said that you have not been in any relationship for a year. When the heart is 'broken' as in love affairs, it is often difficult to mend but here are a few facts:

1: The heart is not made of material and is not fragile; it will not break.

2: Break-ups are difficult to deal with but as soon as the mind forgets; the heart seeks another.

3: Right after a break-up, one is often on the rebound and that is not the right time for a new relationship.

4: Relationships require that both parties putting in time and effort for it to work. At times, one person puts in a tad bit more than the other person however this is done in good fit.

5: There are no special 'vibes' that allow you to talk to someone; its either you feel something for someone or you don't.

6: There is always someone for everyone; be patient and you will meet the one who is yours.

7: Love is sweet, patient and kind; there is no need to rush to be with just anyone.

Good luck,
NJ
Dear Njideka,
Calvary Greetings. I have discovered that marriage is a thing of choice and affection, and that God leads people into it and not someone telling me that God shows a person his wife or her husband in a dream. Pure, blatant lie!

I have suffered the former just because I am an orphan and have no blood relations. this is why I am taking this bold decision. I am a camera/paleographer and knowledgeable in computer skills. In fact, I am a bunch of talents but I don't have love, no companion and no friend.

Kindly link me with a nurse. She could come from any part of Nigeria and must be a decent graduate and must possess the qualities of a virtuous woman with indepth knowledge of God's word, a good cook and a good Christian from a good Christian background. Above all, must be 35 years of age and must be ready to settle down.

Here my contact: [email protected] or 0806 3677 078.

God bless you real good.
•VicPaul
Hello Vic,
What a nice and humble profile you have. I don't usually do this, but I will encourage my interested readers to seek you out. I hope that you are as you have projected yourself to be, hopefully you will find true love.

NJ
Hello Nji.
You are really doing a wonderful job. I'm a girl of 22 and I have a boyfriend but the problem is he pushes me and shoves me around when he's angry. I'm scared it may lead to beating one day, which makes me think twice about getting married to him. He loves me but he has issues with anger management. I love him but I'm not sure if I should stay with him.

For our sex life, it used to be active but now its not so active like before and I want us to abstain basically because of biblical laws and partly due to loss of attraction to him but he says no. Because of this, we've continued our sex life which I'm not happy about and this means the relationship is not godly. What I want is a godly relationship. A part of me wants to stay because we love each other but the other part of me wants to leave because of the pushing and shoving. Besides the question of sex has become an issue. Which should I do? Thanks

• KAT
Hi Kat,
There are three main issues with this relationship which raise an eyebrow for me. In the first place, he 'pushes and shoves you around', in the second place, 'he engages in sexual activities with you when it is not really your will and choice' and thirdly, you want your relationship to be based on 'godly principles' but he is not on board with that.

My dear, how do you think that this relationship can work when you have serious opposing views about these concrete ideologies? It will be extremely difficult to do so. The 'pushing and shoving' matches are dangerous and can lead to domestic violence issues, which I have spoken about in this newspaper. If your man resorts to these acts when angry then he has issues of control and anger management as you pointed out. You must get him to seek counseling before it is too late. If he forces you to have sex against your will, he is essentially raping you and that attracts criminal penalties.

If you want to abstain from sex before your marriage and he is not on par with this idea, then he is not showing any respect for you and does not care for your wishes.

Essentially, your man is controlling and is exhibiting signs of machismo and chauvinism and these have no place in a healthy, loving and mutual relationship with each other. You may reconsider your options bearing in mind that love is supposed to be sweet, patient, gentle and warm.

Nj
Hi Nji,
I have been a constant reader of your column and you are truly a problem solver. Please I need your advise. I am 28 years old. There is this girl I love and who I intend to marry. We are from the same church, I have never touched her, moreover she told me that she was a virgin. Sex before marriage is against my faith, and I felt there was no need peering into a parcel I would eventually open. But my problem is this: on July 30, 2010, I called her on phone as usual. She told me that she has sex with a pastor that came to their church on monthly basis for programme. I told her that I would confront the so-called pastor because I recorded everything she told me my phone. She claimed that her virginity was still intact. She said that she did not allow the pastor to penetrate her after playing with her, which I doubt, but since then she has been begging me to bury the issue, saying that she confessed because of the love she has for me. When I learnt that she had gone into psychological trauma, I told her that I have forgiven her. Could you imagine that when I called her after some weeks, she lost her virginity after she was raped by two men who had been seeking to start off a relationship with her. I was demoralized when I heard this, but when I started embarrassing her on phone she told me that she was lying, that she was just pulling my legs. But I did not believe her and since that day, I have never called her on phone again. Please advice me on what to do whether to forget about her but I still love her but I now really doubt her faithfulness to me.

• PETER
Dear Peter,
Please read the handwriting on the wall. This girl is trying to gauge what your reaction will be when you finally discover that she is not as you think she is. Wait a minute though: are you saying that she is messing with a pastor? And then she is lying about being raped? I think that your girl needs serious help. I think that she has some psychological/emotional issues that need to be analyzed. I believe that she would benefit from the help of a counselor or psychiatrist. Having a penchant for exaggerations, innuendos and lies in this instance is not creative but rather it is destructive. You may wish to reconsider about this girl.

NJ
Hi
I am a 20-year-old and a final year student in a Nigerian university. Please dear I'm seriously in love with a girl in year one in another university but currently confused about my relationship with her. The girl in question claims she loves me but keeps cheating on me. When I found out and confronted her about it, she admitted cheating on me. Besides, distance is always a barrier to our relationship. We have had sex and shared many things in common.

Urchman,
If she keeps cheating on you, she may not be the one for you. Based on your letter it appears that this has occurred multiple times; she is definitely not the one for you unless you both agree to have what some crazy people are calling 'open relationship' in which case it is not cheating (to those proponents of this absurd and ridiculous idea).

Nj