AN EMERGING DISEASE

Dear Nigerians youths, I've been terribly confused lately, and I can't help thinking that our constitution has been amended in some ways that I am not aware of. At least, that's the only explanation that I have for some recent happenings. So, I've been wondering,

1. Is there now a part of the constitution that says that we must answer everyone that walks up to us with microphones and video cameras while we are walking down the road or waiting at the motor park?

2. Has it become a punishable offence to answer a question with "I don't know"?

If the answers to these questions are "No", then why on earth have we been taking so much pleasure in embarrassing ourselves?

There is this form of comedy that has become rampant now, and the subject of laughter is our ridiculous display of ignorance. Someone randomly walks up to us with a microphone and cameras, and asks, "Who is a gynaecologist?" or "What will you do if you find out that your wife has fallopian tubes?" These questions are about medical parlance but I, as primary school leaver turned roadside mechanic, am approached with them. Of course, I most likely don't even know what those things mean. And why should I? Will they help me fix failing brakes or faulty radiators? I know jack, carburetor and gear, and those are the things that are necessary for my survival. But instead of me to say that I don't know what those things are or to ask the questioner to explain them to me so that I can go back to the task of figuring out how my family will survive the recession, I do the exact opposite. Hence, we hear things like "Gynaecologist is the currency of Ghana" or "If my wife has fallopian tubes, then she must go for HIV test. I will even have to call a family meeting because it means she has been sleeping with other men".

Wawuu!
These appalling videos go viral, and we have a lot of fun laughing at something that's not even funny. I wonder how these questions are fair. Why not ask a bread seller about yeast, butter and flour and storm the hospital corridors or biology classes to fish out people who don't know fallopian tubes and uterus? After all, it is only fair that a student be tested on the things he has been taught.

But I have not even come for the questioners today; I have come for the rest of us—educated people, the pretty babes and handsome dudes of UniThis, ThatPoly and colleges of education all over the country. Yes, we who don't know countries in West Africa but do not say so; instead, we name Malaysia and Berlin. We say the past tense of "bought" is "boughted" and that of "put" is "putted". We are not only ignorant, but we have also added pretence and complacency to our ignorance. I don't even think ignorance is a big deal anymore. So what if you don't know something? You show me someone who knows everything. If ignorance is still a disease, it is at least not an incurable one; the treatment is everywhere now—phones, billboards, and even the old newspapers that are used to sell groundnuts now offer treatment for ignorance, and many times at no cost too.

The real disease now is pretending to know when we don't, refusing to own up to ignorance, and being complacent about it.

Now we have literates who don't even know what the title of a movie means, but they go on ranting about how interesting it is. And our movie industry is not even helping matters. In these days of Wikipedia and tons and tons of reliable information on the Internet, Nigerian movies will call staphylococcus a virus and say that systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE, an autoimmune disease) is a viral disease. Seriously? How is that even legal?

We have people who graduated from universities but are far from being intellectuals. If you have trouble finding or navigating the dictionary app on your phone, I wonder if literacy has benefited you. We read blogs and leave only with the gossip. Do we come across unfamiliar words? Yes, we do. Do we try to make an acquaintance with them? Probably not. Gossip is lit; who needs grammar?

There is no shame yet in not knowing; the real shame is in feigning knowledge or lounging in ignorance. The answer to "Do you have a curfew?" is not a sheepish grin or "I left it at home". Sweetie, nobody asked for your ATM card. So, what if you don't know what "curfew" means? Big deal? You could just say, "Pardon me, but that word doesn't sound familiar. Could you kindly tell me what it means?" or "Curfew? Never heard that before but I'll just look it up now on my phone." That is how to deal with ignorance. Admit it and treat it with knowledge. Don't know West African countries? The way out is not to say whatever comes to your head and end up with ridiculous answers like Spain and Jamaica. Google, my dear; it works like magic.

So, what do you say? Will you get committed to knowledge or will you keep embarrassing yourself and providing good business for people who create pitiful memes and videos?

And for those people who think it is funny that the woman who sells roasted corn doesn't know what fallopian tubes are, I hope you pick on me one day. I have written a script that we must act together. When we finally meet, rest assured that until you tell me what you will do if you find out that your spouse has corrugator supercilli, I won't let you go.

Olubola Alamu
([email protected], IG @olubolaalamu)
Osogbo