A Coal Town And Other Issues
"My guy my guy...Beck what's up na? You just dey change am for me anyhow. Nawaooo."
"Change? Did you just say change, those boys at that filling station will descend on you now"
"Ahhhh, why na? Wetin change do? Shee na because you don dey learn Reuben Abati style abi?"
"Choi...Oga Reuben Abati, I love his writings die. Oh you've not heard, nobody uses that word again especially in Enugu State. Mention change, and your face will change with blows from the public."
"My own Enugu State...I have missed that Okpa 9th mile too much and those Enugu girls wey like to dey do."
"Na your way. Nothing interests you asides green bottles and ukwu sara mbara."
"Beck Beck...na only once oooo. I heard Enugu State governor was crying about the slaughter at Uzo-Uwani. The guy come declare fasting and prayer and everybody come dey para for am."
"That's Nigeria for you. A country where only prayers and fasting is the solution to all issues in the polity. The politicians understand the game well."
"Nawaooo...but why dem dey change am for the man na?"
"I have warned you before...stop using that word around here. Nigerians are tired of only fasting and prayers now, they need blood."
"But someone prophesy say na dis government Nigeria need now. And na for Enugu the prophesier from come sef."
"Hahahaha...prophesier indeed. I have begged you to start attending adult education but Ukwu nwanyi Owerri won't allow you."
"Beck Beck...na one tin go kill a man. But wait ooo...e be like say this prayer and fasting and setting up a committee tin no dey work for Naija again oooo."
"Cut it out bro. The governor tried calling the Presidency. But he was put on hold according to them. Poor man...see as he was shedding heartfelt tears of sorrow. Chai chai...der ris...sorry...gimme my hankie."
"You for complete am na. Chai Beck...see this backacious bulldozer."
"I refuse to look."
"Hahahaha. Maradona like you. But wait oooo Beck...I watched some videos few days ago and someone you know was called a Maradona."
"I no know him real name shaa. But na Maradona another man call am. Talk say he sabi play ball well with officials for him school and change players."
"Change? This change again. Una byeee"
"Wait na Oga...nawaooo. You don receive your transport budget abi you wan leg?"
"My car is self-driving bro."
"Hahahahaha. Dreamer. Una go start pencil production for 2018 na. Dubai don already conclude plans by 2030 to have self-driving public buses."
"Don't insult the government please. The Minister for Science and Technology knows his onions."
"Hahaaha...and maggi na. But dem no know how to make soup."
"Do you know what it means to produce our own pencils? Its a change agenda. Pencils and corruption fighting go hand in hand. Both clean errors."
"Na you dey mention change now oooo. Una see am."
"My brother. I am just confused."
"Confused? Na to fast and pray oooo. Make I prepare the prayer budget? Na small money."
"I will pray in my room. God will hear."
"Beck Beck. No be so we dey do am here oooo. Oya come make we go town hall meeting. Honourable Minister dey come. He fit drop something for boys."
"Which one? The one that is tackling the herdsmen crisis 'silently'?"
"You see your life? Na you go school ooo but you no fit understand grammar."
"You tell me what silently means then."
"Now you come. Oga Beck, silently mean say dem dey strategise, dey wait till when people go shout...den dem go blame on GEJ and PDP. You no dey understand something. You think say that thing na small work. Billion of naira..."
"Its billions of naira bro."
"Sharap. Dem don invest Bullion of nairas..."
"Oh God...can you shut up now?"
"Mba oooo. Dem don invest the money for this "silent" fight. So make we go collect our share and join in the silent fight."
"I won't be a part of your shenanigans."
"Why you dey call me shena now? I show you big ukwu but you no wan look. Now you dey call me shena."
"Don't worry, my PVC is warming up. I will pray, fast and do the needful if no substantive improvement is recorded in the polity soon."