Our mothersand then our father
By Adinoyi-Ojo Onukaba
A man came to the Prophet Muhammad and said, 'O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship?' The Prophet said: (Your mother.) The man said, 'Then who?' The Prophet said: (Then your mother.) The man further asked, 'Then who?' The Prophet said: (Then your mother.)
The man asked again, 'Then who?' The Prophet said: (Then your father)
OUR father, Mallam Shuaibu Onukaba, had three wives. The first was Hajiya Aishatu Onukaba who died on February 12, 2014. His second wife was Madam Aminatu Onukaba who died June 4, 1997. The third was Rabi who left to marry someone else after giving my father a daughter, Sabitiu, now also deceased.
Had our father lived beyond June 14, 1984, he would have filled up the vacancy created by Rabi's inexplicable exit and he possibly would have added a fourth wife that Islam prescribes as the limit for every man. Father liked his women and he encouraged his boys to sow their wild oats. He was a stylish, self-confident man who did not allow his lack of Western education to limit his zest for life.
All the three women in our father's life were our mothers despite the fact that the third wife, Rabi, was only a little older than me. The concept of three mothers will sound rather strange and confusing to non-Africans or to those who have been raised in monogamous homes. 'Three mothers? How is that possible? They ask in bewilderment. It is possible.
The connection between persons either by blood or marriage are not exactly captured by the English categories of father/mother, husband/wife, brother/sister, nephew/niece and cousins. These terms are limited when applied to kinship systems in Africa. They do not fully convey the kinship conundrum in many parts of Africa. For example, you hear Nigerians refer to someone as 'cousin-brother' or 'cousin-sister'. It describes a cousin who is as close as a brother or sister or a cousin who is more than a brother or sister. Don't be surprised if we end up with 'friend-brother' or 'friend-sister' to describe a friend who is more than a brother or sister.
Our family lived together, worked together and dreamt of a future together in a three-bedroom bungalow in Ihima and another three bedroom bungalow at his farm which was located in between Aiyede Opa and Ilogun in the bowel of the rainforest in Okunland in Kogi State. Visitors to our home wouldn't easily know the biological mother of any of us. We were raised and socialized to share things. One's mother did not belong to a child alone. Mother and father belonged to everyone. No one could claim sole ownership of them. Such a background makes a child less territorial and less possessive.
Any of the women could feed (including breast-feed) any hungry child or discipline any wrong doer or reward good behaviour without involving the biological mother. In that environment, a child most times end up being closer to his or her non-biological mother than to the woman who gave birth to him or her. Also, a child could end up being closer to a brother or sister who is not necessarily from the same womb as he or she.
Polygamy has plenty of challenges, no doubt about it. But it can also create a richly rewarding, fun-filled family life. We come from such a family. Our mothers and our father treated us equally without discrimination. We were not rich but we were not poor either. The family's subsistence agrarian occupation ensured that there was food on the table most times - even if the choices were limited. There were 12 of us - five men and seven women. Sadly, two of the women are now late. Our parents kept us together and ensured that we remain so till date.
The women were the pillars of our family. Hajiya Aishatu and Madam Aminatu had petty businesses of their own in addition to helping their husband to plant and harvest his crops, raise the children, cooked and cleaned the houses. In carrying out their domestic chores and procreational duties, they were guided and regulated by a sort of an unwritten timetable. They knew whose turn it was to cook and clean as well as whose turn it was to keep the man warm at night.
Hajiya Aishatu and Madam Aminatu overcame their more prickly relationship in their early days together to graduate to a life of mutual respect and admiration for each other. By the time Madam Aminatu died in June 1997, the two women had become like sisters. They were decent, caring, hard working and faithful to their husband. Neither of them remarried after their husband died in his late 50s in 1984 when the women were still quite young. Indeed, some lecherous men in the community did propose marriage to them but they turned it down. Having spent much of their lives with our father, they did not want to invest in a new relationship with other men.
Our father was our role model. He was self-confident, fun loving, humorous and hard working. He loved and adored all his children and spoke glowingly about their achievements. He proudly discussed his children's educational strides with friends and acquaintances that our mothers would repeatedly caution him against the envious designs of less fortunate people. He was open, spoke freely without restraint and never equivocated. He had a good sense of humour and had a free, liberal spirit that permitted his children to practise any religion of their choice. This was in spite of the fact that he was a devout Muslim who never missed his prayers. Though not educated, he could confidently navigate his way through a gathering of learned people.
Our father had three brothers with whom he lived, worked and died. It was said that he convinced his brothers to move out of the suffocating extended family enclave where they had been born to the present family residence in Oboroke. His two older brothers were more cautious and mindful of incurring the wrath of their step brothers, uncles and family elders. Our father convinced his brothers to damn the consequences of seeking to free themselves from the oppressive grip of extended family overlords. He told his brothers that they would do better if they branched out on their own. And so he led the rebellion that brought them to Oboroke where they built a house and brought their mother to live with them. For this, he was accused of being too wise and ambitious. Indeed, one major criticism of our father until he breathed his last was always that his 'eyes were too open', meaning that he was too smart and that he did not like to be cheated.
After settling down at Oboroke, he left the family house he built with his brothers to build his own. Again, he wanted to be independent, live alone with his family and run his own show. The same spirit also informed the building of a similar structure at the farm. None of the choices he made in life were easy for him. Most people were uncomfortable with his rebellious spirit as well as the premium he placed on free will. He was never afraid to be different. When he bought a Raleigh bicycle, some people felt it was the height of ostentation and wastefulness. But that did not bother him. If his money could buy a car he would not have hesitated to do so.
He would have driven it around town as he proudly rode his bicycle about town. Our father was a showman, a good dresser and a neat man. When one of his sons bought him a giant cassette tape recorder and player, he chose to enjoy it in front of his house and proudly told whoever cared to ask that it was a gift from his son.
Our father loved and cherished education and he encouraged his children and nephews and nieces to take their studies seriously.
It's been three decades since he left us. We owe him a lot in our lives and it is sad that he did not live long to enjoy the fruits of his labour. He will forever live in our hearts.
Adinoyi-Ojo Onukaba is a former Managing Director of the defunct Daily Times