When I wrote A world without men, there was an uproar as usual. Why don't you do a piece on a world without women, someone's text said. I chuckled at that one. A world without women, ehn? Good. So here we are, like a good girl I am doing exactly what I was told. Let's all step into that beautiful world someone is longing for.

Do you remember that song in the early 80s?
I don't think that men should sleep alone.
I don't think it's right
Do you baby?
I don't think that men should sleep alone
Somebody should be there
Well, who will men sleep with if we have a world without women, their pillows? Very poor substitute, we all know that. On that score, I think men will be miserable indeed without us, their life-size cuddly teddy bear. Too many men are addicted to us and waking up without a soft body in their beds will be nothing but burning hell. Would we really want to subject them to that? What's more, these days everywhere they turn, there is a cleavage on display. Sometimes the only things girls keep out of sight are the twin peaks. There is always one or two breasts on display at no cost at all.

Where are you guys gonna get that kind of fringe benefits from without us? In the church or outside it, these things are at your service nationwide. Never mind that most of them have gone south south and succumbed to the law of gravity but they are there all right and you are all peeking even when your wives are sitting right beside you with fuller cleavages. You are bloody addicts and I see you starting litigation right at The Hague if anybody dares take away your lollipop.

Of course, I'm the first to agree that commercial sex workers will vanish in a world without women but I do not trust men not to find an alternative. But that is not an angle I'm willing to explore right now. No man no whore, no whore no man. Very complicated stuff.

Who's going to make the babies and keep the world running in our absence? Common, God knew we are the real salt of the world all those years in the Garden of Eden when He created Eve for Adam. The Old Man knew Adam's life would amount to nothing or be at best a boring one if He left him to wander from one end of that garden to the other. He knew Adam would be miserable with even one of his kind, that's why Eve came to save the Garden and Adam. Otherwise, God would have created Adam and Steve. He gave him a wife, a cuddly softie teddy who soon had Adam round her little finger. Never mind the part of the story about deceit. Eve and Adam was a great couple. They set our world on fire. That's how we got the first set of twins, remember?

That's how we multiplied and filled the face of the earth. Without us, the earth would wind up. Did someone say cloning? Good. That's a viable alternative , I guess. But I can't see a man abandoning night out with the boys to make infant formulae and change diapers. Where are they going to carry the babies when they are going for immunization, on their backs or on their chests? They have the temperament to sing for a crying three-month-old while driving? How will they cope with the teething period? Who will show them the difference between a fake SMA Gold and the original? How will they tell the adulterated teething powder from the good one? If a politician just got a cloned baby and he has to go for a nocturnal meeting, will he go with the infant or hand it over to an older cloned houseboy? He will do school run and attend PTA? Good luck to daddies of cloned babies.

But it won't be all gloom anyway. Without us, the men will be eternally free from our nagging. There will be nobody to make them miserable and complain and compare them with the successful Tony down the road. Men will no longer have to tell horrible lies about their whereabouts. GSM lies like, 'honey, the line is breaking, can I call you back?' would no longer be necessary. All networks will start working. Ah ah ah. But how will a man show off his wealth and 'arrival' without a woman? What is the essence of a brand new Nissan Armada or Titan without a woman to admire it? Who's going to judiciously, tastefully, elegantly spend proceeds of ill-gotten wealth of Nigerian men, for instance? The politicians, the militants, even yahoo yahoo boys will be lost in a world without women. We keep 'em breathing, believe me.

Of course, polygamy as we know it and all its maddening cohorts will disappear. Nobody will give anybody love potion. There would be no woman to poison a bad husband. All next-of-kin troubles would end. There would be no bastard children. Men would finally be sure all their children are theirs, at least until their cloning doctors start deceiving them. They would finally be free of children who bear their names but look like their friend, landlord or even the family doctor.

All secretaries would be men. There would be no actress. All bank marketers would be men. All models would be men. Translation? Sexual harassment would disappear from all lingua franca. There would be no sisters wearing mini-skirts or tops with plunging neckline in church to distract the pastor. Somebody shout halleluyah. Amen.

As I was rounding this piece off, I sent a text to a friend on his thoughts about the topic at hand and here's what he said: ' Would the men still have d—ks? Would it be a world with sex or would we all be gay? The she-men would behave like women. Peaceful yet boring. Safer yet unfulfilling.'

What do you think?

Disclaimer: "The views/contents expressed in this article are the sole responsibility of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect those of The Nigerian Voice. The Nigerian Voice will not be responsible or liable for any inaccurate or incorrect statements contained in this article."