SHOULD I ALLOW HIM DEFLOWER ME
You are really doing a good job. I'm 29 years old and in a relationship with a married man. He has proposed to me, but I am afraid to accept because of all the troubles involved in polygamy. But there is also another man, who has proposed, but he's in London and I have not heard from him for up to four months. Right now, my old boyfriend has started calling again. I don't really know what he has in mind. I'm confused; I don't know whom to face. Please, tell me what to do. Thanks. Felicia.
Dear Felicia,
How many men are in the picture? Are there two or three men? Let's see; the married man, the guy in London and your old boyfriend? Is this correct? So, you do not want a married man because you do not want to be involved in a polygamous relationship? Smart girl you are. Polygamy comes with serious problems at the tail end. A married man may provide you with financial security, but it is the wrong type of security. Let's face it; after he has been with you, he is going home to the arms of another woman, who is his WIFE.
This arrangement makes you the 'other woman' and you better believe it, you can never take the role of his wife. Your relationship will always be on a part time basis. Now, he wants to marry and bring you into his matrimonial home. Be careful, because you may never fit in. Remember that he has a wife and possibly children. Your presence is bound to cause resentment and may also rock the peace in this home. You will also be satisfying this man's ego by allowing him the privilege of having two wives as though he is some kind of demigod. Is he really worth it? Perhaps, you should wait for a single guy you will grow with.
The guy in London may not be serious otherwise he would be in touch with you. Four months is a long time to avoid calling someone that you have proposed to. I smell a rat. Is he trying to 'clean up' his acts in London? Does he live with a woman or is he already married?
Regarding your ex-boyfriend, where has he been? What led to your break-up? You should be cautious about his return to you? What suddenly changed for him to see you differently? I think you should go back to dating and seeking a new beau who would respect and love you. These three men do not appear to be 'cooking with sauce'. They are bad news; please move on. Good luck.
Nj
Dear Nji,
Thanks a lot for the way you have been solving issues of restless young adults like me. I am now in my early 20s, and aching for a pretty queen I met in March 2007. I am really sold on her, so much that I was even planning on how to propose to her, but the relationship lasted only three months. She changed overnight without any cause. When I asked her about the sudden change, she said nothing to me. Then she stopped taking my calls; even if I call 20 times she wouldn't answer. She was in school at the time and I couldn't locate the place. So, I decided to delete her number from my handset, but still stored it in my brain. Then, three weeks ago I called her and wanted us to meet and talk. She agreed, but when I told her about my deep affection for her, she said she was already in love with someone else. What do you advise I do? Thanks.
TONY.
Hello Tony,
I am sorry I cannot reply privately. Once you write and send your letter to my email address ([email protected]), your letter becomes my property as well as that of The Sun Newspaper. Okay, now, let's look at your situation: you love this girl, who is in love with someone else. You ask what you should do. Tony, you cannot force someone to love you. You must release her so that you can find happiness elsewhere. I know it appears hard for you to contain yourself when you see the one you are in love with holding somebody else. It appears your heart will shatter and your rage knows no bounds, but you must control yourself and wish her luck. Tony, if she is truly yours; she will come back to you. There is nothing you can do. Nurse your heart back to health and start looking at other females. Trust me; it is only a matter of weeks before your heart starts beating for someone else again.
Nj.
Dear Njigirl
I have been reading your column and I like it a lot. I do have a problem I believe you can help me solve. My boyfriend and I have been going out for quite sometime and we really are in love, but we still have a long way before marriage since we are still undergraduates. The problem is that everyone in his family loves me except his mother, and this means we might not have a future together. We have agreed to enjoy the time while it lasts. I have never had sex before with him or anyone else and I think I want to break it with him. What do you think about this and what should I do about his mother?
VIRGIN GIRL.
Hello Virgin Girl,
I wonder why your boyfriend's mother does not like you. Is she prejudiced? Have you done something to tick her off? Do you love her son and does he love you? Is he ready to stand firm against his mother and explain to her that you are the one? I am concerned that 'you two have agreed to enjoy the time while it lasts.' This tells me that he is not ready to challenge his mother and that he may not truly love you. Be careful about having sex for the first time with him. You may just become pregnant and he might not be there for you. I see him as a wimp and I think you deserve better. Please, find a real man.
Nj.
Njigirl,
I am a regular reader of your column in Sunday Sun, and I appreciate your good work; may God bless you abundantly for your outreach to people. Please, keep up the good work. I am a lady in my late 20s and I have my dream man who also loves me dearly. We have planned to officially get married next year after my graduation. Though, we don't have sex often (may be once in three months or more), but that is not our priority for now. The problem is, I hardly reach orgasm anytime we have sex; it's not that he doesn't perform well, but I think it's my fault. But once every month I ureach orgasm in a dream without having sexual relationship with anybody. My question now is; is it a problem? If it is, how will I solve the problem? Thanks.
TROUBLED HEART.
Dear troubled heart,
It is possible that the problem is from you, but it could also be from him. You say that 'he performs well', but how do you know? The confirmation for good sexual performance is that you both reach orgasmic pleasure levels. It is possible that you do not know your erotic zones. You need to understand what turns you on and then share these with him. A lot of men (especially young men) believe that pleasure comes from speed and hard penetration, but this is erroneous as many women report that they want a 'slow rhythmic movement that combines both the physical and mental stimulation of the senses'.
This is why women enjoy foreplay. Sex is a command of the senses to release endorphins as the body is stimulated. There are several erotic zones in your body and you must find which one thrills you. It may be okay at this point to 'touch' yourself just to find these points. (Mind you, I am not encouraging you to masturbate). Sometimes, the zones and points could be found around your earlobe, your breasts, your nipples, your clitoris, your feet or even just long, deliberate strokes up and down your body.
What do you mean by 'once every month you reach orgasm in your dream.' How can your dream be so consistent that your orgasms in the dreams are specific and timed? C'mon, is somebody satisfying you or are you already masturbating? You need to be real and let your boyfriend know how to please you. Take his hand and guide him. Tell him to slow down if he is too fast, teach him how to move with you and if necessary, you can be the pilot. Try different positions until you find what hits your 'T-zone' or 'G-Spot.' Do not be inhibited, sex is meant to be enjoyed by two adults who love each other. Write back and give us a feedback.
Nj.
Dear Njigirl,
God will see you through in all your doings as you help us with our problems. I am 23 years old. All my friends have girlfriends and having sex with them frequently. I'm in a relationship with a girl. Several times I wanted to call off the relationship, but something in me has been saying I should stick with her. I have never for once asked her for sex. It is not that I don't want, but the truth is that I don't want to hurt her and my feelings for her. She has been a good friend, who taught me a lot of things.
I know she has male admirers and I also have female admirers, she has a good future, she plans things well and always asks me about my future and my welfare. She wants me t meet her family members, but I have been reluctant. I want to ask her if she is still a virgin and know where our relationship will lead us. The problem is that I don't know how to ask her. My friends are telling me to leave her for another girl since she would not give me her body. What do you think I should do because my friends are a big part of me? I want to stick with this girl because she has made a positive impact on my life, but she also has more male friends than females. My fear is that one day she would leave me. Please, what do you think I should do?
CHUDI.
Dear Chudi,
I think you love this girl and want to keep her for yourself. You may even have displayed some jealous tendencies based on your observations of her male friends. Why are you so afraid to express your feelings for her? Let her know that you love her. If she loves you as I expect that she does; both of you can then begin reaping the joy of sharing love. Hmm, so sweet!
Nj.