OUR SOUPED-UP WIKILEAKS PORTION

Imagine principal officials and aficionado of the Federal Republic of Nigeria on a big dining table, at the head of which is the president himself. On this occasion there is no shouting and cursing in the hallowed chambers as the administrative position of the Commander in Chief is firmly secure, though the issue of competencies merely fall under the realm of souped-up allegation, while the Chief Usher and the quintessential voice of the president is hanging around for an opportunity to issue a batch of proclamations from the villa. However rather than them waiting for a hot bowl of soup, it is actually a meeting to tackle and strategize on how to interdict our former foreign friends. Of course the massive and gargantuan corruption allegation against former vice president Dick Cheney of the United States and Halliburton, a multinational he once headed, should elicit a bench warrant of arrest, though the holder of diplomatic passport could later enjoy a settlement out of court in mutual terms upon a paltry sum as it happened in the Siemens saga. This subsisting situation is an embarrassment to the position of Nigeria and a threat to the anti-corruption efforts of The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. It could also be construed as sabotage to the reign of Madam Farida Waziri as the anti-graft czar.

The revelation by Julian Assange and his activist collective known as WikiLeaks on the person and position of the Nigerian president is nothing short of high treason and subversion of the highest order. A country that cannot pass the Freedom of Information Act should not be unnecessarily maligned and harassed, after all the nation has been independent for the past fifty years, more so as we have marked a decade of democracy. Indeed Nigeria and its expensive legislators have gained enough experience in defending the institutions of democracy; therefore when the unelected governor of the Central Bank sought to question their privileges, he was declared an imminent threat to democracy, his assertions about democracy going hand-in-hand with good governance is regarded as a plot to convince and confuse our temples of wisdom. After all who needs good governance when democracy grants freedom to fix your own salary and allowance? Indeed is it not the same Julian Assange facing extradition hearing on infractions of moral behaviour as comparable to the conduct of one of our own senators? Yet the pious senator did marry the foreign minor, but surely he acted responsibly.

This is the premises upon which my unsolicited counsel arises as a pro bono service to this government, being the child of necessity, where every little action, infraction, innuendo, mistake and misrepresentation is subject to undue scrutiny. When the president on a recent visit to the national secretariat of the People's Democratic Party asserted that the zoning principle only existed in mind of his detractors, the party had to be forced to affirm a provision unknown to the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Not surprisingly, the president had the last laugh as even the courts, while admitting its existence, declared their impotence to give it effect, thus an ineffectual provision could be equated with a nonexistent stipulation. Then came the bombing at the colloquium of presidential swearing-in ceremonies called the Eagles Square, where a nebulous organization sought to hijack the just struggles of the Niger Delta people. The president saw through it by declaring that a true son of Niger-Delta would never dare embarrass the president. The Movement for the Emancipation of Niger-Delta, composed primarily of true blood Niger Delatans, and was later implicated, was actually a South African outfit under the influence of northern politicians! How ingenuous!

However my free solicitor service is actually is concerned with the latest revelation of the WikiLeaks paralegal diplomatic cables, in which the United States ambassador, Mrs. Robin Sanders made claims and conclusion on the president's capacity and administrative competence. Perhaps our president did not deem it fit to extend the kind of transport money extended to pastor Tunde Bakare, but even that gracious act was rewarded with an ungodly allegation of corruption levelled against the office of the president. Not to worry, it is of note that it is part of African tradition to give transport money, or kola nut to a visitor as a sign of appreciation. So whether it is fifty thousand dollars or fifty naira, it is the thought behind the offer that matters. After all the money was indeed collected though later, perhaps after some soul-searching behind the pulpit, returned and in the context of Nigerian laws the receiver and giver  are one.

The most eye-popping portion is the incomprehensible claim that the president related in a conversation that there were more qualified persons that should have been vice president to President Umaru Musa Yar'adua, as the only criterion that clinched the position to Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was his heritage and lineage as an Ijaw from Niger Delta. The peddlers of this document forget that the president is doctorate with critical bias on animals of the wild kingdom and a perennial stepper on the big shoes of his principals that have perished due to natural and sometimes man-made tragedies. The carefully worded spin from Mr Ima Niboro seems to have cleared the impressionable diplomatic posting, whereupon lie my unsolicited solicitations.

Suwaid wrote from Kano ( [email protected])