I'M AFRAID I WILL LOSE HER TO ANOTHER SUITOR

When I confronted her, she didn't deny it but refused to tell me when and how they met. I hardly give her money, Though she doesn't ask, but I buy her gifts. The annoying part of this is that sometimes when I call her, the line would be on call waiting for long but she would never return my calls only to tell me later that she didn't have airtime to call. She comes to my place once in a while, we have never made love but we 'play'. She said that I would forget about marrying her the very day I make love to her. Initially, I was scared of losing her but now I believe she is not to be taken seriously. I have tried to end the relationship and move on but it appears she has a way of always making me turn back to her. My questions are: do you think she really loves me? What exactly does she want from me? How can I break myself from her charm? Your response would be highly appreciated. Thank you

• JOEBOY
Hi Joeboy,
You said, 'She has lots of male friends and recently, I found out she's dating one of them. I believe they met recently'. You further stated that upon confrontation, she did not deny.'

Well, there goes your answer. I do not think she is serious about you. She is dating other men and she admits to you that she is doing that. Do you guys have an 'open relationship'? I do not think you are a participant to that. As for what she wants from you, she is merely keeping you on the side just in case her other relationships fail. In case you have not realized it, you are her sidekick, Joe boy. It is possible that she loves you albeit in her own way. You can break yourself from her charm by deleting her number from your phone book, blocking her from your memory, refusing to remember the good times you shared and simply avoiding her. I think you will do better to find yourself a stable girl who is content with being with you, meager salary and all.

Good luck,
NJ
Good day Njigirl.
I am a young graduate of 25years dating a pretty tall girl of 23 years. I am gainfully employed, though earning a low pay. This girl came from a very poor family, she is the only child and not opportune to be educated, though she is academically bright at her level. I met her as a virgin and we have not had sex for more than five times since we started dating. We both love each other very well. This girl is very nice and not demanding at all. We have dated close to three years and both families know about the relationship. I have been trying to meet all her needs; I registered her for WAEC to enable her further her education, though she didn't get credit in English Language. In fact I want to marry this girl as soon as my salary improves not minding the barriers between us but my problem is that each time we had appointment in my house, she will always disappoint me, giving me flimsy excuses. But she will always hang out with me in the night & on Sundays. If I go after other girls to ease myself, I'll not be at peace with my mind or if she gets to know, we will have no peace. What will I do? Please advice me.

• CHUKWUDI
Dear Chukwudi,
It appears that your girl is avoiding someone or something. If she only comes at night and on a particular day of the week, I wonder why. Are those times when her parents are out of the home? Could it be that she has another man who lives in the neighborhood and travels to a different part of the city on Sundays? Could it be that she feels that being a Sunday, you will not make any demands for sex as it is a holy day? I am not sure why she avoids visiting you but I may pin it to any of these factors. I think that she does care about you though; otherwise she would not mind if you have sex with other women. I hope that you use condoms when you do this because you do not want to contract any diseases out there. I think that you should ask her clearly and concisely to reveal her secret to you. Perhaps she would come out clean.

Good luck,
NJ
Hello Nji,
I have been following your column in the Sunday Sun newspaper and I like the way you have been helping people, and keeping their heart together. I am 23 years, and in a relationship with a 19-year-old girl, who I love so much.

We are just two lovebirds and I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. My problem is this: being a woman she is like a flower in the market place, and buyers are wishing to buy. Meanwhile I am still building my finances. My fear is that I may lose her one day to another suitor.

• WORRIED FRANK
Dear Frank,
I had to read your question several times before I finally grasped it. Particularly this paragraph where you said, 'My problem is that as a woman she is like a flower in the market place, where buyers are wishing buy. I am still building my finances. My fears is that I may lose her one day to another suitor.'

I suppose that what you mean is that she may be open to several suitors and perhaps to the highest bidder and according to you, because she is a woman, she is like a commodity, which can be prized, haggled and eventually purchased. Wao, though your analogy is creative, in fact almost poetic, it is SEXIST and I resent that.

What you are really saying Frank is that as women, we do not have a sense of authority and that we are incapable of making our own decisions. You are also saying that when it comes to love and romance, we are powerless and unqualified to make our choices - it will all depend on who is presenting his love and what he can offer to us. You are saying Frank that as women, we are simply materialistic and that we are incompetent to make decisions based on what we are feeling. Frank, you are saying that we are gold diggers and that we will choose the highest bidder.

Haba, Frank, why can't you give more credit to us and specifically to your young girl? She is only 19 and she has her entire life ahead of her. If she decides that she no longer wants you Frank, it is not because she is like a 'flower or commodity in the market place'; it is because she is still young and may not know exactly what she is looking for in a man. With your pattern of thinking, you are wise to be afraid because you will infuriate her and she may very well abscond. Frank, let me tell you something: love is not competitive; if she is yours, she will remain yours and if she is not, she will find someone else. Be careful on how you categorize women. I am one of them and a highly competent one at that (even if I say so).

Be good,
NJ