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NUTS & SCREWS With CHARLY BOY

By NBF News
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I have decided to step aside in today's column for one of my ardent fans whose views in this article have addressed some basic issues that most of my readers will find interesting.

I've heard a lot of things about Charly Boy. I've heard that he sleeps in a coffin; in fact, he is supposed to purchase wooden caskets regularly for hooded rituals in the dead of night. I've heard that he is into some nefarious secret society that makes its members crazy. I have also heard that he is the voice of disenfranchised youths, the advocate of the masses, a respected entertainer. I guess there's no real way to square a guy like him down in a round hole. He's like a modern day David Copperfield, with a whole lot of tricks still up his sleeve. The truth is I think he's plain crazy, but not that crazy. Still…am confused.

I read a book once by Adam Smith, The Theory of Moral Sentiments, that illustrates how ordinary people tend to develop fellow feelings, so that they share the sufferings of the mighty, the rich and the beautiful people of this world. I have come to discover that the daily success of the tabloids corroborates this. Why the bloody hell should I care who Charly Boy is kissing! Should I, and come to think of it, should you?

Wow. He was kissing Denrele!
He should be gay (what?) yeah, in fact, why not? What if (horror of horrors,) the guy's incongruity has finally gone overboard? There's only one word to describe my state of mind as I write this. One word: Flabbergasted! Astoun—-did I say one word? Make it two. I mean; the whole freaking thing's got me into serious research. I don't subscribe to homosexuality, or any form of disturbing behaviour. I don't see why a man should kiss a man. Western decadence might create room for that, but I really hope Nigeria maintains its moral boundary lines. This kind of thing ought to be condemned because it is inexcusable, for whatever reason. Whatever reason is what's got this ball rolling.

Right now I'm wound tighter than a spring. Why do people immerse themselves in such ridiculous true trash? What does anybody have to benefit from scandal? My fingers fly across the keyboard in frantic search for words. The thoughts are coming in so fast I can barely keep up the pace. Did you know that social conventions and norms can be modelled as the equilibrium of coordination games? A scandal can as well be defined as a breach of the accepted norm by a prominent person, and when the critical numbers necessary for a change in the accepted convention is sufficiently small…this scandal triggers that change. This is what I am afraid of; that after being suffocated by such provocative imagery, our impressionable youth will stray, and one day I'll wake up and see Nigerian men marrying each other in church. Hello 2015!

Seriously, isn't Charly Boy married? Aren't these the kind of pranks he likes to pull? Do you remember when Charly Boy first started out as a rookie celeb? There was this rumour circulating about him getting married to a certain pastor, Tyna, that rocked Lagos until everybody discovered it was just a hoax; staged by yours truly. This is consistent with what we know about Charly Boy. Shock is his business. He shocks us out of our comfort zones. He makes us think outside the box. He gives us a glimpse of the alternative. I know some of you might think Lady Di ought to toss him out the window. Hmmm; what's the reason a man would do something like this, I am still contemplating. You know, sometimes even I can't help but admire his approach to publicity. In my humble opinion; creativity has never before looked so capricious. But back to the pictures…hmm, that damned indicting pose!

You know how Hollywood paparazzi always scream a headline like, 'caught in the act?' Well, that's just it. Charly and Denrele were obviously not stark naked in bed and glaring at the nosy camera with surprise and outrage. They were fully decked out in all their black leather and gold bling. I read that particular issue of CB magazine, and I clearly remember Charly Boy saying something about sexual preference being an individual's prerogative. He said he'd created perceptions in the different moods and mazes; and to him what was important was what the brand stood for. Well; now am not so sure. What does the brand stand for, contradictions in bold red?

And I still can't make up my mind whether he's bisexual or gay or not.

The funny thing is I've seen this kind of media hype before, and scandal-makers over a period of time are prone to make their scandals more skilful than they did in the past. From Michael Jackson to Madonna to whoever else the world has seen and loved, we've learned that sometimes it's hard to look beyond the cover page, beyond the packaging. There is this famous saying of Charly Boy that starts a little something like this: 'you can't see me till you have seen beyond the stunts, beyond the tattoo; you can't see me except you have depth…' Really, it's true. I'm virtually squinting through the fog: where are you? Where are you, Charly Boy? Are you over here with the straight laces/ Are you down there with the rotten pages, and are you anywhere at all? What's the controversy for?

I strongly suspect that all this is just a front. Is he hiding something? Is he hiding from something? Sometimes a façade can be used as a scare tactic to create a little niche of privacy for a public figure. Maybe that is what is going on, you know, the sort of media hype that causes distraction: for instance, right now, I am not wondering whether he is getting married to Lady Di again, or who he is rooting for at the polls. All I can think about are those pictures…particularly the one where he and Denrele kiss…mmm-smack! Right on the lips! Somebody asked me yesterday if it was a French kiss. She said, did you see any tongue?

I'm not going to be fooled. I refuse. It's all a ruse. Isn't it?

Some would say that strategic thinking remains an art; and I agree, especially when I see it being employed by artistes. I couldn't help but notice that the poses were arranged in themes that showcased the differences between these generationally divided eccentrics, and yes; I couldn't help…but take cognizance of the fact that they were behind a (hired!) camera; which suggests that as opposed to a lucky dig by dogged paparazzi, this illustration was carefully planned. Imagine: if we were to label a model like a 'strategic decision situation,' a game, then the decision-makers are players and the decisions are based on strategies. Believe it or not, scandals are a focal point of social interaction and communication. A scandal can also be profitable from an individual point of view and efficient from a social point of view.

So once again…what would Charly Boy stand to gain from this kind of thing? Maybe nothing but space… Maybe Nigerians would give him a really wide berth now, especially the women, if they think he is gay. Please, permit me to repeat myself; my reasoning sounds so…cool. Especially the women; if they think he is gay.

Eureka! He's trying to escape the grasping throng of female admirers that don't respond to plain English. What do you think?

According to the theory of periodic social revolutions, there will be Eras of rapid change followed by decades of conservatism and then again rapid change, and so on. This is to say that shock is sometimes not so shocking.

—Choco, an ardent Charly Boy admirer.