TRYING TO CONTROL YOUR CHILD HASN’T WORKED - FIND OUT WHAT URGENT ACTION YOU MUST TAKE
TRYING TO CONTROL YOUR CHILD HASN'T WORKED
FIND OUT WHAT URGENT ACTION YOU MUST TAKE
by Ariella Kapelner
Judging by the content of many parenting advice columns, parents seem to be struggling with child behavior they don't approve of but find difficult to curb.
“When you try to control children you are putting them in a quandary: they love you because you're their parent, but if you are trying to control them you are making yourself their enemy. You're forcing them to become subversives so they can survive you.”
Yoka Reeder, a child specialist, a teacher of 30+ years and an international speaker and trainer (her DVDs “Yoka Reeder on Raising and Educating Children” are on sale on Amazon), has assisted parents to identify and fully handle the causes of unwanted child behavior.
“When my father got in my face the veins in his neck stuck out and his finger was wiggling at me. I heard nothing. I only looked at his finger, froze, and waited for the storm to be over. I only wanted to survive the danger.
When my daughter was 5 and I wanted to teach her something I got down on my knees so as not to tower over her. I touched her arm so she knew I was there, and we established real communication between us. I smiled a big smile and I said: “Hi,” and she answered: “Hi.” I said: “Touch my nose,” and she did, and we laughed. I touched her nose, and we really knew we were both there. Then I said: “Honey, I want to tell you something, is that OK?” And she was really willing to listen to me.
And then, one time - honestly, just one time, not a thousand: “Do you see that? Those are dirty socks.” “Yea.” “Do you know where they go?” She goes: “No.” I say: “Well, they go in the laundry. You know where that is?” “Oh, yea.” “You want to do it a race?” I give her lots of choices. She needs choices because it's the opposite of being ordered around. “OK, do you want to bring the left sock or the right sock?” And she thinks about that. “I'll bring the left sock.” “Which one is it?” “That one.” “OK. Do you want to run forward or backward.” She looks at me: “Forward.” “All right.” She takes it very seriously.
Being consulted is a rare treat for a child because it says “I know you have an opinion, it is of value, and I'm interested in it.”
So the next time you find yourself working up a bit of anger because you're doing what the child ought to be doing, decide to teach the child one thing at a time, and make it a game.
If you teach your child pleasantly, unhurriedly, playfully and patiently, with the same manners and dignity you treat your adult friends, he will reciprocate most beautifully.
Ms. Reeder's DVDs “Yoka Reeder on Raising and Educating Children” are available on www.Amazon.com