What His Gift Really Says: Holiday Presents Decoded

By Ghanamma
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When a commitment-phobe I had been dating for two months excitedly told me he had a present for me—“you'll love it,” he assured me—I prepared myself for a thoughtful, romantic gesture of his relationship readiness. But when I walked into his bedroom, he instead pointed at a Starbucks iced coffee on his desk that I had left there after our third date. He thought he was being cute, but our relationship curdled shortly after. Whether intentional or not, your man's gifts send a message. So what did his holiday gift say this year? Find out after the jump…

He got you: Holiday-themed chocolates

What it says: “I bought this at the supermarket on the way over here, probably because I'm surprised that we made it to the holidays and hadn't planned getting you anything."

He got you: Plane tickets for a romantic getaway

What it says: “I think our relationship is strong enough to withstand non-stop quality time and hearing/smelling each other's bodily functions through the hotel's bathroom door.”

He got you: A couple-friendly sex toy

What it says: “I'm tired of being on top.”

He got you: A solo sex toy just for you

What it says: “I've been fantasizing about this since the first time I saw you naked."

He got you: A gym membership, after you've been complaining about how you want but can't afford a gym membership

What it says: “I'm a little clueless, but thoughtful."

He got you: A gym membership, despite you never mentioning your weight, exercise, or visiting a gym

What it says: “I'm clueless, and I'll be sleeping on the couch this week.”

He got you: Anything he made himself

What it says: “If you weren't sure how into you I am, the answer is very."

He got you: A promise that your gift is on its way, coupled with mumbling about it being held up at the post office

What it says: “I just ordered it yesterday and didn't even splurge for overnight shipping.”

He got you: Lingerie that's totally your style

What it says: “I know what makes you feel sexy and I'm willing to spend an hour at Victoria's Secret looking creepy to give it to you.”

He got you: Lingerie—before you've slept together

What it says: “I'm tired of going home with blue balls every Saturday night.”

He got you: A framed picture of the two of you

What it says: “I'm a cheesy romantic.”

He got you: A framed picture of the two of you, blown up to the size of your bedroom wall

What it says: “I hope the cheesy romance factor conceals the fact that I have a shrine to you in my room and am knitting mittens out of your hair.”

He got you: A pet for the two of you

What it says: “I've already booked a caterer and reception hall for our wedding, just in case. Don't mind the shelf of baby name books in my living room.”

He got you: A pair of earrings

What it says: “I think you're worth a million bucks—but I could only afford $79.99 at Zales."

He got you: a gift certificate to a spa

What it says: “I want you to feel completely pampered while I picture you being oiled up and rubbed down.”

He got you: Extra RAM for your computer

What it says: “256 megabytes of file storage is the closest thing to flowers you'll ever get from me, so if you want romance, keep looking.”

He got you: The breakup speech

What it says: “You have my permission to spread the word that I'm bad in bed.”