QUEER CONVICTS

 
 
Mobile porn
Madam, this is not fair! Displaying your tattooed rear and sideview of your tits like this is tantamount to infringing on the rights of our men. Besides, walking around like mobile porn is detrimental to the sensibilities of our teenage boys. We hereby call on the appropriate quarters to amend laws so we can place PG (Parental Guidance) on your likes before you leave home. This is not a bailable style crime. So, you are to remain in custody until we know what to do with you.

Hawking contraband
Madam! You are hawking and yelling at the same time! What are you selling that you are disturbing the whole neighbourhood? If those things are really valuable, you won't need aggressive marketing. The product will definitely sell itself. Many married women made distress calls to our emergency centre and we were so alarmed at the number of calls. For making life miserable for

these women, you are
fined N8 million.


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Weather-beaten breasts
When you know full well that your tits have gone through hard weather condition through the years, you still dared to expose them like this. Haba! You should have saved those artistic designs of stretch marks for another day. Baring it all shows that something is wrong somewhere. You have been found guilty and sentenced to Koma Hills, where you can do as you please with your milk factory.

 
 
 
 
 


Victoria what?
We know how hard you worked and saved before you got yourself a Victoria Secret bra. We also know how expensive it is. We know that pink looks good on you, especially when worn as underwear. And, in fact, we now know your cup size and can even help if you want to make another purchase. But what we don't know is why a full-grown woman would throw caution to the wind in the name of show-off.

Pay N9 million fine.
.

 

Bra sleeve?
Why in fashion's name would you wear your bra strap as a sleeve? You need to check the word 'mono-strap' in the dictionary and write in details what you found. This case is adjourned to January 3. Until then, you are to remain in custody because my jury needs help in the kitchen during Christmas.

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Whose wedding is it?
We got so confused when you were brought before this court because we thought our fashion police picked you up at your wedding. But we were surprised when the prosecuting counsel argued vehemently that you dressed like this to an event. Damn! We know the bridal trend is on now, but if you have to do it you need to play down some parts. You even added a veil to the bargain. This is ridiculous! Misleading innocent citizens when the bells are not tolling is a grievous offence.

Pay N5 million fine.