Good girls don't have sex

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You see, the average Nigerian is a prude when it comes to sex. At least all the people I know never do it.

I have always wondered how the population rate just keeps rising and rising when nobody does it. It's a mystery.

Nobody told me anything about sex when I was growing up. All I knew about it was that, it was "bad" for "bad girls".

I don't think I even understood the extent of men being involved in the act. Somehow, it all came down to being a "good girl".

I often read stories written by women, mostly married Nigerian women, lamenting about one ordeal or the other.

The three main issues often written about are:

1) The unfaithful husband

2) The evil mother-in-law/family problem

3) Fertility problems

In all three cases, there is a common denominator. The women are always quick to point out, (before the problem at hand is even mentioned) that before they got married, they were "good girls".

More often than not, the sentence will be thus "before I married my husband, I was a good girl".

Now, anytime I see such a phrase in a story, I pause. I reflect. I think about it...good girl...what exactly does that mean?

You see, I have heard men talk in those terms as well. Recently, a friend of mine told me about a lady who he had recently been reacquainted with; she was now married with kids.

He said the lady in question had always been a "good girl" and he heard she continued being so.

I asked him how he knew she had always been a "good girl" since he has not seen her since secondary school and obviously does not live in her bedroom.

He said others had told him of her continuous goodness. I have tried to analyze that phrase, "good girl" and really put myself into the mentality of people who use this phrase.

These are the best options I came up with:

1) The woman is a virgin

2) The woman might not be a virgin but does not sleep around

3) The woman goes to church

4) All of the above

5) All of the above, to the best of your knowledge

You see, before women and men go around fooling themselves, I feel it is my duty to inform you about the simple truth behind the "good girl" propaganda so aptly spread by our parents and society.

Now, at a young age, I too, was fooled by the "good girl" image. I stupidly thought it meant being a good person, you know, having a kind heart and doing the right thing.

I thought being good meant knowing right from wrong and having principles and morals in life.

How wrong I was! Being a good girl was never as complicated as everything I made it out to be. Being a good girl simply meant keeping your legs closed.

Nobody is interested in the goodness of your heart, all we want to know is how many men have gone in there.

You can be the evil witch that pounds the heads of her neighbours at junctions. We do not care.

As far as we "believe" you are a virgin, then you are a good girl.

I use the word "believe" because the truth of the matter is, it's all an image. With the right image, you too, can be a good girl.

Since I am being kind today, I will give you all some solid tips. Always wear striped shirts, long sleeves, (you know, those ones bankers wear) and keep your shoes flat.

Please do not use nail polish and if you must, avoid the colour: red.

If possible, use your natural hair at all times and avoid long weave-on. When taken to places where other human beings are, especially of the opposite sex, be quiet and speak only of future events in churches.

Always make sure you speak of the chores you do at home. Make sure all in the vicinity know that you are a virgin by discreetly mentioning an opinion about "sex before marriage".

Never be caught with alcohol or cigarette (the mark of a prostitute) in your hand and be quick to condemn all other "bad girls" when given the occasion.

Be seen at the right places, with the right people (other "good girls") and you are home free.

As for those women who insist on telling the whole world how unfair it is that a well known "bad girl" is enjoying the "fruits of marriage" whilst you, a "good girl" is having issues, I will also tell you the truth.

Except you are in India, carrying on the works of mother Theresa, I am not interested in how "good" you were before, during or after your marriage.

However, let it be on record, that I am good girl. Right now, I am wearing a long black skirt, a white shirt, my hair "packed" properly and I have a real bible in my hand.