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I WANT A HOT DUDE WITHOUT ATTITUDE

By NBF News
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Dear Latisha,
Although you say you have a big problem, I do not think that you have any problems at all. First of all you are only 22 years old and fortunately a college graduate. There is no reason for you not to meet a man who would value you. You say that you need a 'hot dude without attitude' but let me be the first one to tell you that if and when you meet that 'hot dude', he will certainly have an attitude. Do you know why? This is because women like you are falling all over him as if he has two heads. I cannot stress enough that the most important quality women need in their relationship with men is kindness followed by gentleness and then generosity. The physical attributes of course are important but not nearly as important as what is inside the man. Listen, if you get yourself the most handsome, drop dead gorgeous man who is mean and arrogant, you will be in big trouble. Please look for a guy whose looks are passable and whose character is A+ and you will be a very happy woman.

Nj
I am just bowled over by the way you solve people's problems. I need your advice on a matter. There is this girl I love so much and she is 22 years old. It all started in 2009; we are good friends and she does not hide anything from me. Of course, we have had some sticky times, but we resolved them amicably. There was a day she told me about her need for a friend that would understand and be close to her. I reassured that she would find such a person soon. Then she asked me who I was to her. I said I was just a friend. To this she wondered why I couldn't be the friend she wanted. I told her I could become the person if she gave me a chance. Then she asked me to send her text expressing my feelings towards her, which I did later. Much later I asked her a few questions, wanting to know if she had a lover or whether she was still a virgin, how many intimate male friends she had, etc. I also asked her where I stand in her life? She told me that she had a lover and was no longer a virgin; that she said she had many male friends more than female ones, and that I was a special friend to her. I asked who her lover was and she told me that the person was residing overseas, but does not visit often; that whenever he visits they renew the relationship. She also said that her lover had not called her for about three months. Based on this, I asked if she was planning to have another lover and she responded in the negative, saying that whenever the overseas friend visits home, they would continue. She said the reason she told me everything was because she doesn't like telling lies. Now my question is this: Can I continue with this girl? What am I truly in her life? We have gone so far and I kind thought that I was the love of her life but I now know that I am not. What do you advice I do? Thanks.

• CHYDOLSKI
Dear Chydolski,
Read between the lines: you are a side attraction to occupy her time whilst her lover is away. What else do you need to know? This girl is a player and she is not shy about this fact at all. Yes, she likes you for a fling and not for keeps. Are you ready to play? Leave your emotions at home and enjoy the ride if you dare. If you cannot stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

As an aside, I get the sense that women in Nigeria have the upper hand when it comes to relationships. And this new trend defies all cultural arrangements. When did this trend change or are Nigerian men becoming weaker and weaker? Are Nigerian men the marginalized ones now? These could be somebody's thesis statements. I am sorry if I am comparing apples and oranges here; I got carried away.

Nj
Dear Nji,
My girl broke up with me more than one month ago. She met a guy after we broke up. Strangely, she said that she loves the guy, and still loves me! Since we broke up, she has had sex with me twice, yet insists she won't come back to me. I'm truly confused and need your help.

Hello,
I am confused too. If I gather correctly, she loves both of you and continues to sleep with both of you. Do you insist on using condoms? Do you know that she could be spreading STD's? So this girl has boldly told you that she is breaking up with you and that she wants to stay with the other guy? Why are you still confused? Where is your pride? Tell her never to return to you and insist on not being used as a toy. Wake up and smell the roses! She does not really want you; she is keeping you just in case the other relationship fails.

Nj
Dear Njigirl,
I am a regular fan of yours, and I must say you are doing a great work. I am a 3year-old graduate and businessman. Please I would like you to hook me up with a lady between the age of 22 to 30, and must be from Imo State. Thank you.

•VICTOR OKECHUKWU, Imo
Hi Okechukwu,
I am sorry, I do not know anybody that 'I can hook you up with'. Some people have stated their requests and contact numbers through this forum but frankly, no one has ever reported finding a lover from this column. So, I do not know that it works. Good luck.

Nj
Hello Nji,
I pray that God continues to bless you for the advice you give to your readers. I'm 21 and have just finished my Ordinary National Diploma programme. I have been relationship with a guy I met after finishing my Senior Secondary Certificate Exam. At the time he was a national youth corps member, but is now working in a company. He said liked me but was afraid of love. I have never been in love but I like him too. Please I want to know if it is necessary to have body contact, like kissing, with someone you are dating? Honestly, I just don't like kissing and that is why I have been avoiding relationships. The last time I visited him he tried to kiss me but I refused. He then said he didn't want to see me again. I really need your advice, Thanks.

•F.M
Hi F.M,
You said that you have never been in love yet you are afraid of love. In addition, you are afraid of intimacy. Intimacy is a way that unrelated adults who care for each other express their feelings for each other. With that, I suspect that you want your first sexual experience to be special. I tend to agree with you and as a result, this guy that you speak about is not the right one for you. It is wrong for him to drop you like a hot potato just because you were uncomfortable about kissing him. I think that you should forget about him and find a lover who will care, respect and cherish you for who are and not for what you offer him.

Nj
Hi Njigirl,
I must first commend you for your wonderful work in helping people choose the right path in relationships. I've been reading your column since the past three years, and I've never regretted reading it for once. Please, keep it up and God will continue to bless you for me. I'm a 22-year-old guy from one of the states in the South East zone of the country. I met this girl few years back in one of the JAMB (Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board) preparatory lesson centres, and became attracted to her because of her intelligence, which I admire most in a lady. She got attracted to me too and we started dating.

Few months later after we met, she travelled to a Southwestern state. Before she traveled we promised not to forget each other. But few months later she totally forgot about me but I didn't lose hope as I kept communicating with her up to the extent that she stopped answering or returning my calls. I got upset and stopped as well. Then I decided to start a fresh relationship and focus on my studies, which I kept. For three years we didn't communicate until few weeks ago when she called me pleading for forgiveness, saying that she wants us to resume our relationship. I'm vindictive in nature but at this point I was speechless to say anything to her. Moreover, I have been reflecting on this, and guessing that she must have had series of relationships over there; perhaps, she broke up with her boyfriend over there, which made her want to make up with me. I know I still love her so much but I'm afraid of her now. I am not so sure of what to do now, whether to move on with my life or give her a second chance?

• JOHNSON
Dear Johnson,
Since you love her so much as you said and I assume she loves you too else she would not come back. You have to make up your mind to use my formula for reconciliation: 2F+2C+1T which means forgive, forget, cooperate, commit and work as a team. If you utilize this formula with a certain degree of openness, love and kindness, you would soon find out if you are meant for each other. Forget about what she could have been doing, forgive what she might have done and commit to loving her unconditionally.

Nj