SHE IS OLDER THAN ME

Now, I have been dating a young lady in the university here and this relationship has lasted for about six years with the knowledge of both families. This lady has been really good to me and has been a wonderful person but then I think our romance life is not excellent enough, yet I try to work on it. She has played an excellent role in ensuring I do not lack when I need a woman's emotional, financial or sexual support. She would make an excellent wife.

Last year I got involved with another older lady from the US who I also found to be another wonderful person, having the same good intention for me to be the best I can. We started out as friends and honestly, I don't see any age difference because she is just right and loves me for who I am .We never have boring moments as there is always something for us to talk about; we talk for hours on the phone. After one year of dating, we decided to make our relationship concrete. We got married and had an elaborate wedding in the presence of my family and friends.

I realize I want the best for her and I think I owe it to her to keep her happy. I had to convince my family it was what I wanted and they had to give me their support. They have met her and realize she is a good person too. One thing I realized is that I enjoy the maturity and understanding that comes with courting a more mature lady as she can advice me on issues. She is even more romantic and this aspect of our life is excellent.

Initially, I thought I was taking an advantage of being able to assume permanent residency in the US, so I told my younger lady about it whilst re-assuring her of my love for her and that I would definitely return to her as she is one woman I do trust in this present age of decadence and immorality in young ladies. Now, events have taken a different turn as my US wife and I have decided I relocate to be with her and knowing the kind of person she is, she wouldn't want me to return to Nigeria alone, not to talk of letting me be alone for a long time in Nigeria whereby I might have time to strengthen my relationship with my girl here. Of course, she doesn't know of the lady here.

After my getting married to the US woman, my lady here and I have been having issues which usually borders on insecurity on her part having realized that she is losing me to another woman. And I also complain of her being rude. I knew about this attitude all through the years of our dating but I went on despite knowing very well that no human is perfect but I usually curtail this when it comes up.

My problem is this:
1. I still love the Nigerian girl and very much want her for myself.

2. I want to eat my cake and still have it. My attention is divided and both women want my attention. I love them both but I am just one person.

3. I don't expect that living in the US would be a bed of roses and it would definitely take some time for me to stand on my feet. But would the Nigerian girl wait? If she did, I am not sure of being able to return to her though I really want to.

4. Since Last year, I have been ready to have a baby but she wouldn't want to as she is yet to complete her studies. That is very understandable. I still want it with her now but her answer remains the same. Yet, I realize this might give me a good reason to return to her in the near future. My mother on her part is ready to accept a grandkid from her and even help with raising the child while we further with our lives to make to it better. But I can't force a woman to have a baby for me so I let her be.

Please give me your honest opinion of the situation and what you think I can do but please do not think me to be selfish or ungrateful but I think my happiness should be number one.

• WORRIED MAN
Hello Worried Man,
You know that you cannot eat your cake and have it too. You gave up your rights to your 'Nigeria-based lady' when you married the other lady living abroad. You said that you love them both but the truth is that you cannot love them equally. Being an avid believer in the marital institution, I say you stick to your wife and forget about your other lady. You must release this other lady so that she can find someone who wishes to make an honest woman of her. You have taken a serious vow to be with your wife through thick and thin; honor it and forget about the life you once led with this girlfriend of yours. Remember that you made a choice of marrying your wife; show commitment to her and respect the institution called marriage. BTW (by the way) I am in my early 40's and would find a good picture for the column.

Nj
Dear Nji,
I am a reader of your problem-solving column and I was wondering if you could help me. I always find myself falling in love with women who are at least five years older than me even right from secondary school. My friends and family say I might need therapy please what do you suggest I do?

• NO NAME
Hello,
Becoming attracted to older females in itself does not make you 'sick' or in need of therapy. If your motive for looking for older women comes from a need to find a mother figure then you may need to consider therapy to find out why. There are a few suggestions that you might want to consider:

Did you have a loving childhood?
Did you feel deprived of love during your childhood?

Did you live together with mom and dad during your childhood?

Are you an only son?
Did you have several women in the family?
Have you always felt unloved?
Are you very sensitive and emotional?
If any of these apply to you then perhaps you may need counseling to dig into your past.

On the other hand, age is really but a number. Society frowns at men who marry older women especially if the women are already set in their careers; it appears that the man is merely in the relationship for financial advantage. So, you will have to analyze your reasons for wanting an older female and then decide why you do what you do.

NJ
Dear Njigirl,
You have immortalized your name by solving great relationship problems that worth are fortune. I must say a big thank you. I need a sugar mummy and promise to remain nice. I am in my early 20s.

Hello,
Thanks for elevating my meager contribution to society to the level of immortality. I am grateful to God for this particular wisdom and also to all of you my readers for accepting my advice.

As for your request for a 'sugar mummy' I am sorry I cannot help with that. I have often said that this column is not a matchmaking avenue nevertheless if you make your phone number or email available I might publish it for interested persons to pick up. In this case, you have not done so. There is not much that I can do.

Nj
Hello Njigirl,
I cherish your very useful advice to readers on the issue of relationships. Please keep it up. I love a girl and she is about getting married to a man residing overseas. I told her that I would like to marry her but the problem is she told me she is older than me. Please advice me on what to do.

Hello,
So, the only problem here is that she is older than you? What about the fact that she is getting married to someone else? If you are not younger then she will jilt the fiancé for you? Is this what she told you? I do not believe it. This girl's heart is somewhere else; hopefully in her would be husband's heart. Sorry to disappoint you but you are not in this contest.

Nj
Hi Njigirl,
The girl I love refuses to marry me because she is older than me. The only fault I admit that I have is childish behavior. All members of my family love her and see her age as nothing.

• EMEKA
Hey Emeka,
You said it yourself; you act childishly at times. No woman wants to deal with an immature male. Society dictates that a man's role is that of superiority, authority and manly power to protect their territory. A man is supposedly the head of the household and to act childishly is to go against the primordial order of traditional society. So, to continue winning this lady's heart you must change your ways. Respect her time and position and stop acting needy.

Nj