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SHE'S OLDER BUT I WANT TO MARRY HER

By NBF News
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Hello Samuel,
Love is a strange thing sometimes and it manifests itself in different ways. You may know someone of the opposite sex casually and do not give much thought to that person; however each time you see that person, you smile very widely and feel a little tickle to your heart. The sound of this person's voice, the way that person talks, walk or smell all bring a smile to your face. When you hear someone talking ill about the person, you are quick to jump and defend. All these are signs that you care deeply about this person and it may take many years for you to realize that you have loved this person for a long time without knowing it. So, to answer your question directly, yes you can fall in love with this neighbor of yours though you see her everyday. In fact seeing her everyday may even bolster your affections for her. I will say - go where your heart leads!

NJ
Dear Njigirl,
You are a great problem solver because I have been following this column for a while now. Thanks and remain blessed. I have a problem for which I need your help. I am addicted to masturbation. I don't know how to get out even after having sex. I stopped watching pornography for three years now but masturbation is still part of me. Please, help me out. Thanks, best regards.

• EKPO
Hey Ekpo,
I daresay masturbation is all a part of growing up but when it becomes excessive, you may have a problem. When girls and boys begin to fill out in certain places and the hormones start raging indeed they masturbate. Most teenagers would masturbate out of curiosity about sex and many would try gay sex also out of curiosity. Oftentimes when they outgrow the teenage years and begin adolescent life, they usually forego masturbation and gay sex. This is because at this time, they become somewhat knowledgeable about their bodies and about their attraction for the opposite sex.

In your case, if you have continued masturbating and especially after having sex with your partner then you may have a problem. The question becomes: are you continuing after having sex because you are not satisfied or because you cannot help it? If you are not satisfied then you need to discuss with your partner about how both of you can become fully satisfied. You may need certain sex toys or you may have to engage in longer foreplay. Remember that it is a mind game and the intensity of it is what drives you to the edge. If you cannot help it I suggest you seek assistance from a sex therapist. Regarding the issue of pornography, I am glad you stopped watching that for three years and I hope you stop completely because that is just plain filth.

NJ
Hi Nji
There was this guy I dated. And I loved him with all my heart but along the way my mum introduced me to somebody else. She said I will learn to love. Because I didn't want to double date I had to dump the first guy and date the new person for three years. While I was in school he sent me text me that he was getting married without giving me any explanations. I had to nurse my heart and then went on with life but sincerely every other relationship I have had hasn't been fruitful. I decided to go back to the first man. Though he accepted me back, but he has really changed. He no long calls as he used to, and he won't send text messages. When I talked to him about it, he said he was busy and he would make it to me. I really do love him and sorry for all I did to him. Nji, I don't know if should continue with or not because I don't know him anymore. Thanks.

•ANONYMOUS LADY
Hello Anonymous Lady,
So, you left your first boyfriend to date another guy that your mother introduced to you, but that did not work out and you have gone back to your original boyfriend? Even though he accepted you as you said he seems to have changed. You said further he no longer calls or returns your texts as promptly as he used to?

Well my dear, what did you expect? You left him to gallivant and after three years you are returning to him? Don't you see that he also moved on when you checked out of his life? Of course he will always attribute his miscommunication to being busy because he has a conscience and does not want to hurt you. Now, read between the lines; he no longer wants you perhaps he is in love with someone else. You took too long to realize which side your bread was buttered.

Nji
Nji girl,
I am always excited reading your column in Sunday Sun. It is always the first place I read before any other page. I do appreciate how you proffer solution to peoples problems.

My problem is that I have been depressed for months now, always going in and out of depression and this is affecting me psychologically since I discovered that my husband is having an affair with another lady - a married woman with four children for that matter. This lady's mother who was a midwife in those days and was the one that helped to deliver my husband into the world. I actually began to suspect my husband when I observed that he would quickly cut his calls whenever I am around. He would tell whoever it was he was talking to that he would call later. This put me on alert and I began searching his phone log and SMS whenever he left it for a moment to go into the room. When I confronted him at first on this he denied until recently. He begged for forgiveness and swore that he would never have anything to do with the lady again.

One day, I overheard when this same lady called him to come urgently to help her out and my husband took off immediately. I confronted him again on this and we made up. Though of recent, he has been so loving and endearing to me and declared his love to me but I am still uncomfortable as my instinct still tells me he still sees the lady. I decided to follow my instinct last week and looked at his phone log and saw a 'call me' flash from the lady and when he called the same lady same time. Though now, I can't tell if he is still associating with the lady but I am hurting real bad as I love my husband and am so scared. At times, I want to go and talk to the other lady not confront her but appeal that though I understand her family's relationship with that of my husband's, she should please stay clear. What do you think? Please kindly advice me on what to do. Thanks

•TROUBLED LADY
Hello Troubled Lady,
First of all, depression is a serious illness and can lead to other mental as well as physiological problems. Please see your family doctor immediately for evaluation. Really, snooping on your husband and checking his phone logs etc. can really cause anyone to be depressed. What is the need in finding out who he is talking to? You must exhibit a sense of confidence at all times and let your husband know that you are aware of his cheating, but that you would not tolerate that sort of behavior. You said that your husband confessed to having an affair with this person and he has continued seeing her but have not said whether this other lady married? You know, you can handle this very differently without making yourself sick. I do not support confronting the other lady because the fault is not totally hers. Your husband is equally a culprit. Seriously engage in prayer to remove the spell cast upon him by any intruder. You need to tell him that you will expose him to his boss, priest or whoever he values very highly. Tell him that you are willing to forgive him but that he must earn your trust again. For him to earn your trust, you must set a standard for him to follow. Let this standard come from you since you know him more than anyone else; find something peculiar to your relationship and raise the bar on that yet allowing him to attain the bar. Do you understand? It could be something like making him go to the store for you for a period of time until you feel like you can trust him or making sure that no outgoing calls are made from the home after a certain time for a period of time. The bar you set has to be meaningful to both of you. When you are ready to forgive him, be sure that you never bring up the topic again.

NJ
Hi,
I'm an avid reader of the Sun newspaper and I'm very proud of Nigerians like you. My girlfriend refused to marry me because she is older than me but I love her and will still like to marry her. What do you think? Thanks.

• EMEKA
Hi Emeka,
Age is only but a number. I wonder why she will not marry you - is there more to it? Do you exhibit childish behavior that she cannot tolerate any longer? Do your family members embarrass her because of her age? Do you sometimes make fun of her or sometimes not sensitive to her needs even inadvertently? If she loves you and you love her barring no other issues I cannot imagine what the problem could be. I say you propose again and if the answer is still no, cut your losses and move on.

Nj