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By NBF News

Look at the funny stuff Nigerian politicians are made of. You will marvel. Shiver. We never knew better than now. They are of very absurd species.

Give it to them, they do a lot of awkward researches. And they usually come out with strange findings. Their discoveries are amazing and amusing.

Haba! This zoning debate has thrown up some peculiarities in us. In our clime, we are ultimately made as a nation state. Our politicians are really magicians. They can make and unmake almost at the time and speed.

They care less. Sadly! Most of them are ridiculously long in words. And shamefully short in action. And they don't give a damn, whose ox is cruelly gored.

They just move on with their lives. As if nothing happens. They talk carelessly too much. They don't see beyond their noses. That is why we are where we are today.

They have subjected President Goodluck Jonathan to some sort of rigorous laboratory tests. These politicians? They go to any length to prove a point.

To Jonathan's discomfort and unwillingness, they carried out intensive examinations on him. They did some researches. They transversed the length and breadth of the country.

The examinations were time-consuming. And of course, money-gulping. They did not mind a hoot. The end justifies the means. They carried on their dubious tests with disgusting ignominy Jonathan was examined. Re-examined, cross-examined and crisscross-examined. They assembled their proofs. Again, they put them into acidic tests. They repeated that process several times over. Absolute satisfied with their damning findings. They dug deep one more time. The result remains unchanged. Very positive and expectedly favourable to their whims and caprices.

Clearly. All along, they resolved to keep their principal in the dark. They wanted to shock him and convince almost at the same time. Poor Jonathan! With all the security network at his beck and call. He never smelt it. He never knew that he was being subjected to such a comprehensive test. They took him to their crude laboratory. They dissected him. And what they found was intriguing . A brand new species in the man Jonathan. His handlers were extremely happy. That is the beauty of it all. Surprise. Shock. Wonder. Astonishment. Amazement. That is the name of the game. His handlers were cocksure. Jonathan will like and love their finding. That he will not only embrace it, he will clap and dance over it. They were convinced, Jonathan will be excited. He has no viable choice!

The deed was signed and sealed. They wanted to deliver it. Again, they put a grand-plan in place. They assembled all the manipulators and lovers of deceit.

For two days, they did the jamboree. They kept the bomb very close to their fleshy chests. It was timed and secured. They knew when it would burst. They were very careful. The venue was the International Conference Centre, Abuja. It couldn't have been otherwise. Any other place would be grossly inadequate and inappropriate. The venue was well suited and situated. It was a Goodluck Support Group Summit (GSGS).

Evidently, the crowd was joyous of their new and exciting findings. They knew many of us would be thrown up balance. They were aware, the discovery would upset the polity. It was a disaster waiting to happen. They knew what the rest of us were ignorant of. They knew what they had in stock for us. They were at a very vantage and vintage position. Poor us. We were not. We were at the very receiving end. And we felt the pinch. It was wholesomely terrible.

In the midst of blind merry-making, the chief handler walked in. The crowd literally exploded. They knew the bigger explosion was about to happen.

Armed with their findings marked 'secret,' Senator Bala Mohammed, was full of life. He should be. He is the Minister, Federal Capital Territory (FCT). The supreme arrowhead of the numerous Jonathan Must Run groups. The gathering at the centre was on to him, and him alone. He was the chief convener and/or sponsor. He was thrilled by their large turn-out. That would be the appropriate forum to tell Nigerians what they never knew. Or imagined about his principal.

His listeners were expectant. But we were not. That is why we were shocked to the marrows when he poured out. We had ignored him to our peril.

Dancing, clapping and jumping over. Time for the serious business of the day. All protocols observed and reserved. Mohammed mounted the rostrum. There was dead silence. A very radical departure from the mood some seconds earlier. Of course, they knew what he would tell them. But we were kept blind, behind the wall. The minister was very confident of what he was about to say. It was a result of painful researches and experiments. They had ceaselessly and endlessly burnt the midnight candles.

But it handsomely paid off. The result was worth celebrating. And that is the actual reason he was here. That is why the handlers and manipulators were so gathered.

They were about to reap bountifully, the fruit of their labour. When Mohammed thought about all the efforts put into play. He felt very proud both within and outside.

So? He did not hesitate in making the historic pronouncement. He told his audience: 'Jonathan is not a southerner, but a northerner who shares the aspirations of the North.' Some of us were lost. Some collapsed. But the minister remained undaunted. He pressed on. He then cut off the President from his Ijaw root: 'He (Jonathan) is not a South-South product, but a northern product and has taken all northerners as brothers.'

Mohammed was all out ravaging: 'Time has come for northern political leaders to be told in clear terms that other Nigerians have stakes in the enterprise called Nigeria.' That is not definitely in dispute. No one should be made a second class citizen in his/her own country. He did not stop at that. He reached out to General Ibrahim Babangida, Atiku Abubakar, General Muhammadu Buhari, et al. His piece of northern advice: 'He called on other presidential aspirants to drop their ambitions for Jonathan.' His reason is not far-fetched: 'Jonathan has garnered more experience than any of those parading themselves as presidential aspirants.'

Glaringly, Mohammed is nothing but a dreamer. This is what he dreamt about 2011 elections: 'The election of Goodluck Jonathan in the 2011 elections will ensure continuity, stability, growth and economic development of the entire country.' For any other aspirant, the reverse will be the case. He will retard our growth and discontinue our stability. That will be doom. And Mohammed & Co. do not want that. He did not dream of that anyway.

But there was a decent, dissent and discerning voice. That was Alhaji Ahmed Ali Gulak. One of Mohammed's ardent travellers in the GSGS. He was cautious, tactical and diplomatic: 'Zoning is good for political stability. When the President comes from the South, the Vice President should come from the North. This is the interpretation of zoning and anything besides this is mischief.' Agreed!

But Mohammed is adamant, stubborn and unrepentant. He insisted: Take it or leave it, Jonathan is now a northerner. That is the ridiculous height of deceit.

He even chose not to bother about our 'naïve' reactions. He carried on as if 'nothing spoil.' Must every Nigerian be a northerner to be President? No! not at all. No sensible and sensitive northerner will ever subscribe to that, but…