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Living with Sexual Abuse

By Melanie Miller

I was sexually abused as a child, growing up. My childhood was robbed of me, and I was a woman to this man and he thought of me as a woman and made me have sex with him. It was a relative of mine. I was sexually abused at age 3 to 13 yrs. of age by the same man, and he was a cousin of mine.

What I went through, many children have been through. Some children grow up, facing this problem in their lives, that they can not be with their spouse without feeling that they are being molested all over again, even if the husband loves them.

I know what it is like to be forced into a sexual situation with someone. I been abused most of my life, sexually, physically and mentally. I understand where some people are abused and what happens to them mentally. I had to seek counceling for my abuse, and cost me money to go to a councelor. The one that sexually abused me, needs counceling the most...and some may agree with me. I told my half sister and uncle what happened to me recently and they did not believe me and wore not supportive of me. I went to counceling immediatly and the woman councelor believed me. She told me to draw a picture of this man, my abuser, in crayon and I told her, I drew him and seen him as a devil of some sort, as feel he is a demon.

Many yrs. later he tried to molest a 9 and 10 yr. old at a beach he was at, he was on vacation when he tried to touch them and asked these young girls to have sex with him. He was arrested and got out on a five thousand dollar bond. His wife left him recently as well, wonder why? And she is a lovely woman, how he could do this to his wife, is beyond me. He had the perfect wife and I do mean the perfect wife. She maybe married again for all I know. His mother, the abuser that sexually abused me...never knew what her son did to me all those years.

He took out a long kitchen knife once and put it to my throat and forced me into sex and then once he put a pillow over my face and finally after gasping for air, he told me he would kill me, if I ever told anyone about what he did to me sexually.

I was afraid for my very own life. I was scared to death of him and never told a soul for many yrs. I still am afraid of him and afraid to turn him in for what he did to me, and what would be the point really, as he may come after me one day and harm me or worse, land me in a morgue, or coffin I would be in. I should not be afraid of him and I mentioned the sexual abuse I had to endure for many yrs. to a councelor and my husband. He would more then love to hit him or punch his lights out, but I told him to let God deal with him, in time, in his own way, to never harm a human being as one should not wish harm on another human..and I forgive what he did to me all those many yrs. but won't forget. He is family, afterall and I pray and hope he has changed and does not make or force another child to do those sexual things with him any more. I need to tell him one day how he hurt my body and my feelings. He even tried to have intercourse with me when I was a teen and an adult, when I was married even, and I said, "I will scream!" He stopped immediatly then. He is not a kind loving and caring man...and I hope God or the Gods punish him one fine day for what he done to my body. I bleed and bleed and my grandmother told me not to tell my grandfather. I think she knew what happened to me but protected this man from what he done to me. The many times he forced me, would always make me cry, and I would beg for him to stop what he was doing to me. I would say, "please stop, name withheld...stop doing this to me please?" I begged for my life once when he held me upside down and hit my head a couple of times on the floor, of the trailor he would make me perform sex acts on him. I wanted to feel hate, but how can a 4 yr. old learn to hate. He would tell me he loved me and was only showing his love by us making love, and I thought he loved me, or why else did he show me what love was, what I thought love really meant in his eyes. I was very young and thought he cared for me even though he once tried to strangle me and my lips turned a blueish color. I recall this as I was eight years old, as I looked into the mirror and wondered why my childish lips wore blue, and my body was used so many times by this man. Man? How can I even refer to him as a man? He was my worst nightmare and wicked he was towards me. Threatening to murder me and leave me in a river, he would tell me and then say he loved me. Is this love? I think not..but when you're young, you're easy prey, vulnerable to say, and he knew how to twist his words and make it sound like he loved me and buy me ice cream once he did, and I always thought he loved me in some way but see now, that he was only using me for his own sick and vile fantasies. To this very day, it is difficult for me to long for sexual intercourse with my mate, as I feel deep down I am being raped. He understands why I feel this way, and wish to have one day a normal and healthy and sexual relationship with my man...but for now, I have told my mate that I can not be with him due to the fact I had been raped repeatedly as a child so more therapy I will need in the distant future.

If you are being raped or know of someone being raped or has been raped, tell them to seek counceling and talk to a parent or doctor regarding what you are going through. I hope my article was of some help to someone, anyone and do not feel it is your blame or fault, as it is the abusers fault and blame and he or she should be ashamed of what they did to you or a friend you know of.

the end