Confessions Of A Lover.*

From that very second when I set my eyes on you, I wanted you.

But etiquettes mandated me to control and discipline myself. This is especially so, considering the circumstances of our meeting.

For about three years, I kept laughing and joking with you, while harbouring deep desire and feelings for you. Every time I found myself in that situation, my heart would stop beating momentarily. It would be like a comet, held hostage fleetingly. But I did a good job hiding my feelings. It was agonizing. A plethora of agonies permeated with gratitude for those opportunities to even laugh with you when those moments presented themselves.

Those moments of jokes and laughing with you in the presence of others, represented to me, dots of oasis in an antagonistically dry desert, merciless in its aridity of comfort and convenience. They represented a fantasy that I held on to in the absence of the realities of my desire. They were the aprons stretching my aspiration to its tethers. Replacement dreams, filling the gap of actualities. And I was very grateful for them.

I always wondered while sauntering in that cruel desert of unknown, what would be your reaction if I approached you and opened my heart to you. I ruminated on what your response could be. I thought about this deeply and long enough. I loved our friendship. I didn't want to lose you and lose the friendship. I didn't not want to lose the opportunity to still be able to joke with you and laugh with you in the presence of others. It would have exacerbated my agonies. The situation would have been worse. I had to keep my secret desires to myself and put up a mask.

Then, at a point, I thought about life. I thought about the risks we go through on daily basis. How nothing is guaranteed to anyone either way, positive or negative, as we trudge on our daily paths to and fro. I thought of the risk of never knowing what exactly you think and how you would react. What would I like to do? I asked myself if this risk was worth it? While I reeled in agony of love for you, I was also confused on what to do. To do ask you or not to?

I had to weigh my options. Option one: Losing you completely if you reject me. Option two: Having you completely to myself if you accept me. Or option three: You could be polite about my request, and reject me with a dose of decency, thereby still preserving our friendship in a slightly soured form. I was not sure which one would be the case, though, the one I preferred was very clear.

I reminded myself that I was being cowardly. Cowards, they say, die many times before their death.. While was I murdering myself gradually.? Then, I decided to take the plunge. I thought it was worth the risk. I didn't want to grow old and wonder what could have been. I didn't want to go to my grave not knowing the truth about how you really feel about me in this manner. I was not prepared to regret never making an attempt.

So, I made my mind known to you.
I still remember my presentation. I was nervous. I was scared. Though, I maintained a steady voice. I projected the confidence of a man that was self-assured. But truly speaking, I was afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid of upsetting you. Afraid of never being able to be your friend again. Afraid that I might lose the little that I have been availed of. Afraid of losing the opportunities of laughing and joking with you even if they were in the presence of others. Afraid that you might turn pugnacious and adversarial. I was very afraid.

But I didn't have a choice at this point. I already started this task. I must complete it. "You can't abandon the journey half way. You must complete it," I told myself. More importantly, I wanted to know. I needed to know. To know how you feel about being my lover. To let you know about my secret desires. To bring to your attention the aspirations to have you reciprocate my feelings. To let you know about my secret agonies since the day I set my eyes on you.

As I started to present my case, your silence as you listened to me put me on an emotional precipice. My heart was palpitating. The feeling was pulsating. It was like play a very loud drum in the closest proximity to my ears. It was a combined feeling of allure and alarm. It was cordial yet cremating. A dread that was simultaneously glamorous. Enchanting yet petrifying. Delightful yet daunting.

I went through it though. I was determined to. And I am glad I did. I am so happy that I did. I have no word for my feelings afterwards. I was and I am still joyful. I was and I am still elated. I was and I am still ecstatic. I was and I am still euphoric.

Since then, you have become the only miracle in my life. In a comparative analysis with hitherto, you have stood out as a very Important and special miracle in my life. I have come to discover more about you since then. How many years now? How many decades now? I have been blessed with a very wonderful gift in you.

Beautiful. Loving. Caring. Affectionate. Doting. Vivacious. Gregarious. Excellently spirited. Energetic. Industrious. Entrepreneural. Kind. Considerate and generous.

You have a heart of gold!
I thank God for giving you to me. I will NEVER let you go. I will NEVER give you up.

©Remi Oyeyemi.