Letter To Nigeria's Minister Of Information, "lai" Mohammed.

Dear Mr. Mohammed,
I am compelled to write you this letter because I am worried about you. I am really concerned about you. I am sensing that, should I delay this letter to you, a lot of your family members might become unwitting victims of unanticipated agony and misery. It is the last thing I would wish for my enemies, among which you're not counted. For this reason, this letter becomes imperative, for your sake.

Ordinarily, I should not be worrying about you, because of the meanness of your soul. The fact that you walk around like a human being presupposes that blood actually flows in your veins. But you have given enough reasons beyond reasonable doubt that this could not probably be true. That it is indeed possible you don't have blood flowing in your veins. That it is possible you have a dead conscience.

Majority of Nigerians have then assumed, (and they could be wrong), that because of these weird possibilities, it has been easier for you, on daily basis, to swim in the natatorium of hypocrisy. To thrive in the thick cocoon of calumniation. You have been helplessly marinated in the puddle of the diddle. To this end, you have earned yourself the ignominous reputation as Nigeria's Joseph Goebbels, Adolf Hitler's obnoxious Reich Minister of Propaganda (1933 -1945).

You should know that it is more serious than serious itself, when your grandson called you up to ask you why is it that people called you "Liar Mohammed." According to you, your grandson even appealed to you not to lie to him and pleaded that you told him the truth about the situation! During your confirmation hearing to retain you in your current post, you had to beg the Senators not to be confused about your real names as you referred them to your curriculum vitae (cv) for your correct names.

But given your testimony, you ended up lying shamelessly to your grandson, telling him that those who called you "Liar Mohammed" are "bad guys." This was despite the fact that the innocent son pleaded with you not to lie and to please, tell him the truth! It was as if the obviously smart and Intelligent grandson of yours had the malodorous omen that his grandfather was a pathological liar. What a shame!

Needless to say, your public behavior, especially in terms of utterances, since 2015, when you became the Minister of Information, has been so sordid that people are now suggesting that your name should have been "Lie Mohammed" instead of "Lai Mohammed". Even, some have actually suggested that you were originally named "Lie" and that you had inadvertently called yourself or name yourself "Lai" as opposed to "Lie" reportedly given to you originally, at birth.

Since, given my age (still in my 60s) and yours (would be 70 in this year's December), I could not have been at your naming ceremony. To this end, I would not be able to say for sure, whether the speculations about your real name, has any basis in fact or not. I could not take your word for it. You lie too much. And if your grandson doubts your honesty and integrity, who am I to stick out my neck that you are telling the truth about your real names?

Recently, you had made categorical statement and reference to "Analysts of Doom." This was in the aftermath of Lady Aisha Yesufu's (others spell the last name as "Yusuf") interview on a Television Program where she had criticized the travesty about which you and your fellow travelers gallivant around and flagrantly, with tinges of odiferous arrogance, referring to as an "Administration."

An obvious malapropistic application of diction. A deliberate and devious act. A conscious exercise in fostering a festering phraseological fiasco. The objective, to create an enduring confusion and vitiate our values. It wouldn't be the first example of such an obvious twist of meaning of words on your part and those of your hungry hacks, political jobbers, social media miscreants, scavengers of crumbs, scroungeers of slivers and paid value-contaminators. You and your crowd calcified the meaning of "integrity." You seared the essence of the word "corruption." You interned the true meaning of "intelligence." You obfuscated the meaning of the word "competence." All to no avail.

Swiftly, Lady Yesufu had responded that the subsistence of a "Government of Doom" under the leadership of the Daura Dullard, had necessitated the incubation of the"Analysts of Doom" that you so gleefully referenced. She was very clear that without a "Government of Doom," there could not have been "Analysts of Doom" and she went on to elucidate her caricaturing of your travesty of an "Administration" as nothing but a collegiate of "doom", anchored by an evil potentate.

On January 25, this year, you had said in the media that Nigeria's security was better now than in 2015! Someone commenting on that news item had written with grief that even, Mohammed Buhari would not forgive you for such a blatant lie. In telling that lie, you probably thought you were addressing Russians or Germans who never came to these shores. Even some of them would have read one or two things in the media to cinctured their being sold on such a big lie that only Lie Mohammed could tell.

I would not want to go into other specific lies you have told to justify the name you are being called. This is because it might not allow you to dwell on my counseling for you. Having put you on the Sofa from distance, using your various public distortions and lie telling as context, I have diagnosed you, using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, popularly known in my other profession as DSM. It is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders.

Using DSM-IV - ICD-9-CM, under Axis I, you have displayed symptoms of the following:

1. 312.82 Conduct Disorder, Adolescent-Onset Type
2. 312.9 Disruptive Behavior Disorder NOS (Not otherwise Specified)

3. 314.01 Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Combined Type.

4. V71.02 Adolescent Antisocial Behavior
Under Axis II, I would settle for the following:
1. V71.09 No Diagnosis.
I have gone to this length to call your attention to the fact that you indeed have a problem about lying telling, spreading of falsehood, congenitally trading in fatuous propaganda and thereby creating serious challenges for the polity. It is my hope you would understand that you are in need of serious help, which is the primary purpose of this letter to you.

You have to take this advice very seriously, if only because of that grandson of yours. He has no other grandpa. You are the only grandpa he has. And that he would ever have. Whatever your true name is, "Lai," "Lie" or "Liar" Mohammed, that smart boy should not be deprived the sanity of his grandfather.

Thank you and be assured of my best regards.
Sincerely,
Rèmí Oyèyemí.