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Four Stages of Being a Baby Mama

By Segun Ogunlade
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In a simple language, a baby mama is a woman that has a child with a man she is not married to. To put it in another way, it means a woman that has a child whose father she is not married to. The number of baby mamas in our society is increasing that sometimes it becomes a matter of public discourse. Whichever way we see it, ‘baby mamaism’ is not the worst thing that could happen to a woman.

As a man that observes what goes in his environment and tries his best to interact with people, I have noticed these four stages to being a baby mama among women that are baby mamas. That is why I have decided to put this piece together on the four stages they go through till they finally come to accept the reality of their ‘baby mamaism.’

In a society like ours where everyone turns to a judge in other people’s matter, being a baby mama is not one of the things a woman wants to be. But when you have a child for a man that is not ready for you to be a part of his life, you just have to move on.

The first stage of being a baby mama is the ‘what will people say’ stage. This is the time when a woman discovered she is pregnant for a man she is not married to and who she is not sure will accept the pregnancy as his or is ready to be a father yet. This man could be anybody from a boyfriend, a neighbour or even a one-night-stand guy. But oftentimes, it is always the boyfriend that is responsible for the pregnancy.

She then begins to worry about how her family, friends and her community will take the news. She is worried about what people that know her will say. She is worried about her they would see her henceforth and what names they would call her. Many people will question and judge her morality. This stage is even more difficult when the person responsible for her pregnancy deny it especially when she is expecting the ‘I want you and the baby in my life’ statement from the man and it never came. When the people closest to her begin to judge her and the man that got her pregnant doesn’t want the baby, she feels like she is alone in the world.

It is sad that it is only the woman that has to worry about what people will say and live with the shame of getting pregnant outside of wedlock. She didn’t impregnate herself. But somehow, the society has made it all about her. The man could expressly deny the pregnancy if he feels he isn’t ready to be a father yet. It is the woman that has to watch the affection that her parents have for her turn to disappointment and not the man. Knowing that you are on your way to being a baby mama is not particularly.

Next is the ‘I don’t want that woman near my child’ stage. This is after the child is born and she is growing up. Every baby mama wants to be the only woman standing next to her baby daddy and her child that she couldn’t stand the sight of another woman near either of them. And if she thinks she is more gorgeous than the other woman, the dislike becomes even more profound. She detests the idea that another woman is with her baby daddy and he would soon introduce their child to her.

The feeling at this stage is not the same for all baby mamas. For those that have not gotten over their baby daddies, they still feel they could work things out and continue where they left off. Even if they are not who they were before the child, they still want the baby daddy because of the child. No woman wants to be a single mother. But many times, the baby daddy has moved on to the next lady. When they hear that their baby daddy is getting married to someone, they were not sure if they could ever forgive themselves.

For those that have ridden themselves of any emotional attachment to the baby daddy, their major resentment is the other woman getting near their child. Every woman wants to be the only woman playing the role of mother in her child’s life. When that is not happening, they are not happy with it.

This stage is difficult for every baby mama and could be the worst for those that are still feel something for their baby daddy. For a moment, they feel they knew they could have been the other woman if not that the pregnancy happened. It is hard to accept that their baby daddy will exchange marital vows with another woman but they have to accept things the way they are.

Next is the ‘I need to move on’ stage. At this stage, she begins to feel less sorry for herself about what had happened to her. She has now realized that things weren’t meant to work out between her and the baby daddy. That’s why he doesn’t want her and the child to be a part of his life everyday life and he has finally agreed to marry someone else.

At this stage, she would analyse her relationship and note the number of times she had seen the red sign but ignored it because she was confident in him. She knew it wasn’t her fault the man rejected the pregnancy and she needed to come out of her sorry state. She thought to herself there is a need to move on. She releases herself from the misery she plunged herself into. She no longer wants to be miserable for holding on to a man that couldn’t man up when he found she was pregnant that he had to run away. She found the need to stop asking ‘how could you’ and ask instead ‘what do I need to move on from here.’

Finally, she finds herself at a place where she must say ‘I love and care about you but I can’t be with you’ to the man she never thought she could ever say it to. This is the last stage. Truth is it is difficult for a woman to finally walk away from a man she used to love especially if she has a child with him. It is not easy to stop loving and caring less about the ones you once love and care about because you have been through a lot with them and you don’t want a repeat of everything.

After saying the word, the she begins to sing ‘It is time to love myself because I am done with you.’ It is hard to change from being lovers to just friends because in most cases, it has always being moving from friend zone to love zone. Some say it is easy and that you just have to allow the remaining jots of the love you feel die a natural death. But with what I have seen it is not an easy thing to do. Getting over a boyfriend or a girlfriend is very difficult for some people that they sometimes don’t feel like ever falling in love again. Now imagine getting over someone that doesn’t want you for no fault of yours but simply because you were pregnant with his child. It is a terrible feeling. Assuming the role of a friend to your baby daddy and a co-parent to your child is a difficult thing to do. But at the end, people have to do what makes them happy. That is when she decides to be happy again and find her inner peace.

Accepting your status as a baby mama is difficult. Finding love as a baby mama is even more difficult. Things happen to us that we didn’t wish for. All we have to do is accept them and move on. You see, I have not seen a woman that prayed to be a baby mama when she was growing up. The joy of every woman is to be happily married and have kids with her dream man. But when that did not happen, learning to find happiness again is important.

Being a baby mama isn’t as bad as it seem. It is not easy to get pregnant for someone who knows he should accept it but somehow didn’t. We should not make things more complicated for women that are in this shoe by calling them out. None of them ever wanted the way things turned out between them and their baby daddy. Life happens to us all and it serves us differently. All we need to do is deal with whatever life serves us and let people live their lives.