OF SICK AND UNHOLY MEN

Koko: Didn't one young man say last week that it is easier and cheaper to forge certificates than to procure them legitimately?

Kaka: Yeah, he did. Smart guy. Considering that there is no guarantee that an original certificate will get you a job, why sweat for it?

Koko: Most of the so-called real certificates have no NAFDAC number or SON certification. The ones that have are not worth the paper they are printed on.

Kaka: So, your vote is for the fake certificate?
Koko: My vote is for expediency. Whatever works.
Kaka: That sounds like the doctrine of necessity all over again.

Koko: Ah, talking of doctrine of necessity, Senator Alphonsus Igbeke should learn from it o. it looks like there is a conspiracy to make him a senate committee chairman on outdoor activities.

Kaka: That's why they locked him out, so he can stand sentry at the gate of the hallowed chambers. How mean can we get?

Koko: I don't think it's got anything to do with meanness. I think the senators just don't like his face.

Kaka: Did we elect them…?
Koko: Exactly, did you elect them?
Kaka: Don't be mischievous. What I wanted to say was did we elect them to look for fine faces or conduct a beauty contest? They should open that door or else…

Koko: Or else what? You will bodily bundle out Senator Joy Emordi out of her distinguished seat or carry her on your shoulders to the car park?

Kaka: Those are wonderful suggestions, my friend. I'm salivating already.

Koko: You are sick, very sick.
Kaka: So what else is new? I'm not the only sick person I know. Even Nigeria is sick. In any case how does carrying a distinguished senator on my shoulders to her car amount to sickness? I'm doing you guys a favour by helping the court sort out what they can't.

Koko: You are a thief, Kaka. You should see your glinting eyes in a mirror.

Kaka: I don't need a mirror and it is my patriotism you are seeing glinting in my eyes. You are the original thief. You are the one imagining where my right hand will be when I carry Ma Emordi.

Koko: Where will your right hand be?
Kaka: I'm not telling and I do not need your distraction. Look, the Appeal Court can't dislodge Emordi. The Senate President can't. The Madam doesn't want to go back home and I am offering my services, free of charge, to serve my fatherland on credit and your imagination is running riot.

Koko: Thank you, Mr Patriot. The only reason Senator Emordi has not left the Senate is because she is seeking interpretation on the Appeal Court judgement.

Kaka: Interpretation indeed. Was the thing written in Greek or Swahili? Who doesn't know that the Appeal Court is the last bus stop for election troubles of Senators? If INEC has given Igbeke a Certificate of Return, what else are we waiting for?

Koko: We have to be sure that certificate is genuine. Didn't Ma Emordi also get one from INEC in 2007?

Kaka: Too much confusion, too many certificates. The only logical and practical solution is to carry Ma Emordi out nicely so we can get on with our lives.

Koko: That is crude and unconstitutional. The Nigerian Senate will not be part of it. Never.

Kaka: Fake self-righteousness. Is it not the same Senate that doesn't feel bad breathing the same air with Senator Ahmed Sani Yerima? Pretenders all, those Senators.

Koko: Did any court annul his election too?
Kaka: His case is worse. He is the Senator who divorced one of his wives so he could marry a 13-year-old Egyptian girl.

Koko: That is not possible. He must have adopted, not married her. Ah Nigerians, you just want to spoil that man's holy sharia name. What will a 60-year-old man want with a 13-year-old wife? She probably won't have breasts…

Kaka: The marriage has taken place. The distinguished Senator paid $100,000 as bride price and flew in the girl's family for the event in Nigeria.

Koko: Are you sure it wasn't a naming ceremony? A former governor who preached the gospel of Sharia would not do something as sinful as that. Stealing is stealing, whether it is stealing yam or the youth and future of a 13-year-old girl in the name of marriage.

Kaka: Maybe like Yerima did to Baba Jangedi, we should amputate one of his hands or even both.

Koko: What has Yerima's hands got to do with the matter at hand? It is Yerima's staff of office that should be severed and frozen .

Kaka: That's mean and extreme. You are not factoring the interests of the other wives into that severing conspiracy. Anyway, he is still sitting with the other holy men in the Senate.

Koko: I would have thought that with all their sermons about rule of law, they would invoke the Child Rights sections in the constitution and sanction Mallam Yerima.

Kaka: You wish. It is not an urgent matter of national importance.

Koko: Poor girl, how will she handle the…em…the Senator's em…?

Kaka: Please o, I don't want to go there. Let's talk about other national maladies.

Koko: Like what?
Kaka: Like when a poor man steals a N20,000 handset he goes to jail for five years but if a rich man steals N2billion, he stalls trial for five years with the help of the best lawyers.

Koko: Point of correction, rich men don't steal, they embezzle and you still have to prove that, wade through libel, slander and every technical mud Senior Advocates of Nigeria carry around inside their wigs.

Kaka: The bottom line is only the poor go to jail. The rich don't.

Koko: There do they go?
Kaka: They go into hiding. They get declared wanted. They do plea bargaining and even when they go to jail, they don't wear prison uniform.

Koko: In other words, it is better to embezzle than to steal.

Kaka: Yes but it is a gradual process o. You have to know what to do before you can do what they do.

Koko: You can also marry a 10-year old if you are rich and distinguished. We can suspend the constitution for you and sacrifice little girls to the gods of VVF. But if you try it as a poor man, we shall cut your 'abunna' pronto.

Kaka: We must set up our own Forum to spread this gospel.

Koko: Brilliant. We have Governors Forum, Nigeria First Forum and now PDP Reform Forum. What shall we call our own?

Kaka: There is plenty of time to find a name. Let's first find out who will transmit our first meeting live on television and where we will hold our nocturnal meetings.

Koko: We must also include a 2011 election content in our table of contents.

Kaka: Of course. But have you noticed that this Presidential battle is becoming just a PDP thing?

Koko: What are you driving at?
Kaka: The way things stand, whoever emerges the PDP presidential flag bearer at the primaries is the next President.

Koko: You are a bad prophet. Miracles still happen, you know?

Kaka: Where?
Koko: Here. The President has recovered and is hugging people.

Kaka: Maybe we should call our own forum the Miracle Forum.

Koko: Let's go home before you put your foot in your mouth all the way to the knee.