Tell him his 'thing' is not 'sweet'


For crying out loud, please tell me in clear language what the heck is wrong with telling your spouse that you don't enjoy his/her lovemaking!... Absolutely nothing if you ask me. But of course you're not asking me. I am asking you. So what do you have to say…yes you? No, I mean the guy over there…the one in grey shirt…yes you sir! Thank you very much sir! Just as I thought, nothing wrong with it.

We are in a free society and every lover needs to start exercising his/her fundamental wife, husband, lover, boy-girl friend rights. Hey, this is democracy, don't you know? Part of those rights is in being able to be frank about issues that have to do with sex and sexuality with your partner.

We were gathered in a circle that day… we were all mature men and women. In such a circle, you can be forgiven for saying crass and crap. I mean, we are mature folks after all! The discussion veered to sex. Somebody said sex with her husband's thing was not that sweet to her. She had discussed the issue with him and he had promised to work harder and better at pleasing her. But somebody in our group found such remarks offensive to a guy's ego.

I thought he was going to blow up. He said if his wife dared to say such nonsense to him, he would make sure she was bundled out of his house and straight back to her parents' home.

I couldn't believe it! I asked myself repeatedly, are there men with such archaic attitude towards sex and women? And I answered myself, I guess so. I know there are many of you guys, including you…yes you reading right now…who feel that your wives should not discuss sex and its enjoyment with you. If she doesn't discuss it with you, who the heck is she supposed to discuss it with? Me? I don't think so! I will rather discuss it with my own husband. Thank you sir!

But believe me, it is this sort of attitude from men that makes ladies to feign sexual enjoyment in bed with their husbands, while in the true sense they are bored to tears! Imagine being bored with sex. What could be worse?

Some women, would go, “ohhhhh, ahhhhh…,” grinding and shaking their yeye buttocks in bed, like they are about to touch the planet of orgasm, when in actually fact they are not feeling anything. I have always said it: it is a criminal offence to feign orgasm! Take that to the bank!

When a guy or lady doesn't enjoy sex with her spouse, both partners will dread nightfall and sex. Just perish the idea of afternoon sex with such a couple!

So, they engage in the night, ritual sex, after all, they have to make babies if nothing else. So, the silly lady goes to bed like a lamb being led to the slaughter slab. And when her pump-in-and-pump-out, kind of sex husband pounces on her, she prays that he gets it over with quickly. She wouldn't dare say it aloud. What a prison!

Most ladies who find themselves in such an abject relationships or marriages, eventually start cheating on their men. With married women, they have to cheat and still remain in the marriage that has become a hell hole. With babes who are still in the dating game, they simply stage a walk out. Good riddance.

The bottom line here is to bang your babe real hard and sweet. Don't bang her like she was the one that declared the global economic crisis to fall on the continent, with anger and so much negative energy. Bang her like a rain drop, falling on a fevered brow. Gentle, forceful and straight. With your hands holding her buttocks and raising it like a breakable plate to meet your thrust.

Learn to make her enjoy your thing; always repeatedly ask her if she's enjoying it. Let her cultivate the habit of opening up to you. When you go to bed, both of you should discuss things you like about sex. It's not a sin. It's definitely not a criminal offence. Nobody will drag you to jail for having such a discussion with your spouse. What makes you and her tick sexually?

Have you guys ever had such a discussion? What do you and your spouse detest most in sex with each other? I heard some men used to slap the buttocks of a lady during sex and I have also discovered that most ladies don't like it. So, sisters, start talking, tell him what you want and what tickles you. Tell him your likes and dislikes during bedmatics. Find out from him, what turns him on. It is very wrong to feel that because a lady is legally married to you, it automatically means that she should enjoy your love making. Well, if you've been having such feelings, you've been living in a fool's paradise. Try to have that discussion today and see if your sex life will not achieve a better level.

The sexual styles that tickle Monique, may not attract Juliana Francis. You get my drift? So tell me, do you think it's wrong for your wife to tell you that your thing is not sweet? Do you think your husband should not complain that you're like a log of wood in bed?


It's so hard to lose something that is 99 per cent cute, 98 per cent sweet, 95 per cent loving, 90 per cent talented and 100 per cent down to earth. That's me! What a waste if you lose me. Please, may we be friends. I'm Vivian. 08023437768. (Yeah, Vivian. I can't afford to lose you. I got all your texts, even the one you sent on Valentine's Day. Thanks dear.)

Agreed there are places that arouse a man's carnal desire in women. Buttock is not. Sighting it makes me to vomit. Let's please help to see nudity bill scale through. 08028337639 (Haba sir! How can you say that buttocks do not arouse your sexual desire? And you made it worse by insisting it makes you feel like puking if you catch sight of it. Rubbish! I put it to you, my friend, that you're are being economical with the truth! Boobs and buttocks can make even the one-eyed snake of a eunuch resurrect! Believe it or not! If you've not been reacting to them, even with those of your wife or babe, then sir, something is seriously wrong with you. Or are you gay? And if you dare me, I will flaunt my own and see how you'll react. Hey guys, should I do it? I'm ready to undress right now…please don't stop me!)

Your last issue was distasteful though that was my first time reading your column. I was thoroughly unimpressed. Other dallies talk about sex without using such language as akamu. Was it supposed to be all jokes? I'd advise you find work elsewhere. Clearly you lack the wit for professional journalism. Deji Rotinwa. 07031980785. (No apology dear Deji. Such a hypocritical song. I guess the next is that you'll tell me, you're a virgin. You'd rather I called it sperm, not akamu? Oh, that's not creative sir. You have to learn to create your own lexicon and colouring. No plagiarism.

When I was with The Sun, I received some reactions just like yours, especially from pastors, but after a while, I noticed that most of my fans were pastors. They write in and say: “I mailed you and you still have not changed.” You know what that tells me? I won't tell you, if you don't know or can't guess. Peace!)