My First Time

By Martin Beck Nworah (MBN)

In the early hours of December 5th 2015 around 2am, I did what I have never done in my life. I was at the Anambra Exclusive Youth Choice Awards where I won two awards as the Best Writer in Anambra State for 2015 and the Best SUG official in Anambra State for 2015.

Basking in the euphoria of my new acquired celebrity status, I decided to ask a beautiful lady for her number. Now, as Martin Beck Nworah, I have never directly requested for a lady's number all my life...I'm serious. I'll simply get it from your friend or somehow, I will just get it but I won't directly request for it especially in a social event. But this one, I wanted to try my stars because she was sitting in the same table of five with me and her friends.

"Hello dear, will you attend my event #ZikitesUSNConnect?" I felt the promise of a fun-filled event would do the magic sharp sharp.

"I will come only if you give me a free ticket" she said smiling.

"Give you free ticket? Nne, ina eme for free?" Like seriously, I asked her that. She gave me a are you okay? a sharp Onitsha boy...I just "boned" her.

"Well, if you won't give me a free ticket to your show, I'm not coming." She retorted with a disgusted look on her face.

I wanted to give up but what I was seeing were the exact things my mum warned me about concerning Unizik babes. Just like Orezi talked about Enugu girls in Reggae Blues, these one is a perfect spec that made Flavour put two different ladies in a family way...but MBN 'haf' seen things. So I upped my game... I must get this babe's number.

"Ok. Here's the thing. If you want free ticket, you'll give me your number and I'll call you to pick it up." In my mind, I couldn't imagine I was asking a random girl for her number. Chai! A whole mummy's boy like me....chai chai chai. In fact, I always find it difficult to talk to ladies and that's why I'm still a stainless saint till now 'sef'. Don't bother to check or confirm though.

"If you want my number, I won't give it to you because you'll start calling and disturbing me."

"Me? MBN? Call you? For what kwanu? Ok fine. I would probably call to ask you if you've accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and Saviour. As for me, I don't do all these bad bad things young people do on campus. Tell me your favourite song and I'll rhyme it...hopefully, I'll romantically win the right to get your number."

"Hahahahaha. Ok ooooo. But I won't give it to you."

At this stage...mehn I don provoke.
"Bia nne, leave all this grammar and my funnee oooo. Anam asi gi give me your number ina ako yati yati here. Ima onye m bu? You sabi me? Nne enwerem conne oooo. In fact...gerarahere with your number. For reall mehn."

1. I created a scene.
2. I never got the number.
3. I was left in the table all alone by myself.
...and just when I was about to hook up with another babe with a red mini gown in a different table to try my luck, one man just sat on a seat adjacent to mine and proudly announced.

"Guy you fine die...I'm tripping for you."

I just passed out.

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