Foundations for Successful Family Life: Sex and Romance (Part II)
This is the second article in our series on: The Role Of Sex And Romance In Marriage And Family Life. We wish to continue exploring “The Gift Of Sex And Romance” which we started discussing in our last article.
We have already emphasized that anyone who does not see and regard his or her sexuality and the accompanying romance as expensive gifts that have to be meticulously handled with prudence and calculated wisdom, will not have the best attitude towards sex and romance.
It is unfortunate that because of this misunderstanding and misuse of human sexual powers and attributes, we seem to spend more time teaching un-married people “not to have sex”, without focusing on them after they are married, and balancing our message with teaching for mature, married adults on “having good sex in a marriage according to godly and wise principles”, in the best way that God who created sex, destined it to be used.
There are those people who also provide the wrong sexual instruction for financial and other selfish gains, or at least, imply by their conversation, that sex can be enjoyed by any human being who “feels like indulging in it in by his or her own methods”, in order not to “deny any human being of their sexual rights.”
This imbalance has resulted in gross misuse and mishandling of the gift of sex in many lives, and especially in marriages, and has resulted in devastating diseases, disoriented lives, several failed marriages, and dysfunctional families.
With the surge and proliferation of horrible and destructive pornography in our day, It has even resulted in disgraceful scandals of fornication and adultery that have created fights and break-up of marriages, friendships, churches, corporations, and organizations. Immorality and its associated consequences have toppled eminent politicians, great professionals, accomplished artistes, respectable ministers of the gospel, and successful businessmen; and even culminated in death and other tragic losses.
Just as wrong information can contort and ruin your sexuality, the provision of accurate, godly, and healthy facts on sex can make your sexuality very meaningful, powerful, and productive.
I wish to enumerate a few facts that I have concluded about human sexuality, for us to ponder over and generate further discussion: Sexuality is an important part of your body.
Your sex organs and sexual instincts are very good for the proper functioning of the entire systems of your body, not only in terms of sexual pleasure and childbirth, but secretion of important hormones that regulate important body functions. Proper functioning of your sex organs contribute in giving you the feeling of being the total man or total woman.
Sex organs must be diligently cared for
Your sex organs are among the most delicate and sensitive organs in your body, and must be handled with utmost care and attention. Habit of masturbation, filthy sexual practices, careless management of your menstrual periods, unhygienic practices and habits (especially involving dirty and infected hands and mouth), use of wrong chemicals and objects, and rough handling of your sex organs in order to merely stimulate yourself and feel physically good (especially ahead of the time for real sexual enjoyment in proper marriage), can seriously damage your sex organs, affect your mind, and make you lose focus in life. The best way to deal with a bad sexual habit is not to start it. If you start, you will not know when and where to stop.
If you are already bound by an immoral or sexual bad habit, and deeply rooted in it, my personal recommendation is to call upon God through Jesus to set you free, and meditate on a lot of scriptures for cleansing and deliverance, and avoid watching anything or going to places that urge you to go back to your vomit (bad habit you have spewed out). You may have to painfully cut off some unhealthy relationships. It takes consistent discipline to accomplish all these. The earlier you start, the better! Don't also be shy or too proud to go for mature counseling and help. Your future is at stake!
Sex organs and sexual activities must be honored and respected
Your sex organs and sexually related areas of the body, or normal sexual activities, should receive utmost respect from us. They should not be relegated to contemptuous levels by the way we often use base and vulgar language or disdainful treatment to create an air of disrespect for sexuality. Disrespect for sexual activities is even more devastating for young people who need to be trained to honor and make sensible use of their sexuality now, and especially when they grow to become adults. The wrong exposure to immorality and pornography, reduces your respect for sexuality, and makes you very lustful, unstable, and un-loving in relationships. Your definition of love becomes bodily passions and sexual stirrings, and when these are not there, you cannot love the person anymore. This is a major cause of infidelity, weak bonds, and divorces in marriages, because when the marriage is built on sexual lust, the passion soon evaporates, and the person (especially men whose passion shoot up more easily) look for another woman or man to satisfy the distorted and uncontrollable sexual appetite.
Human sex passion is very strong, very influential, and very potent; and should not be toyed with
Your sex passion and sexual desires are, to me, the strongest in the body. The sexual fires should be vigilantly guarded in wisely prescribed boundaries in order to preserve their effects and sanctity, and prevent them from spinning out of control and burning you plus everyone else around, to ashes!
God created sex and its associated attributes for us to use it wisely and productively/b>
Too many people misuse their sexual gifts these days, even in marriages. Some sexual activities are more of a punishment on the marriage bed than a loving mutual sacred and exciting activity. In fact, some people even decide to become wicked with their sexual powers, and intentionally give you a disease, seduce you to get what they want, or trick you with sex in order to get you into trouble as vengeance, or to hinder your progress. Sexual affairs between husbands and housemaids, and even sexual abuse of cousins, nieces, in-laws and other family members in homes is now a common practice
Several girls seduce bosses with sex for jobs, promotion, and money, and students seduce teachers and professors with sex for good grades.
Some men have forcibly raped women to simply fulfill their lust, and broken the virginity of women they have not married and do not intend to marry. Some women have seduced men into sex in order to milk them of money and resources, and some desperate or carnal ladies have created conditions for men to make them pregnant or have sex with them in order to force the men to marry them. There are several wicked women who intentionally steal people's husbands by sending them seductive text messages and e-mails, or pornographic photos, and naked exposure with their obnoxious dressing.
If your sex life is mishandled and misused without much thought, wisdom, self-control, purpose, genuine love, and fear of God, you will incur God's displeasure, and He will not bless and prosper this special gift that He gave you, for you to productively use it as a good manager of his grace.
After your death, you will not leave a good moral legacy for your family and society
Sexual activity is designed by God only for married people.
Please let us face the facts. You and I did not create sex. God, who created it, is the only One with the best knowledge for sexual guidance, and is the Only authority who has the right to give instructions about human sexuality. Sexual activity, sexual intercourse, or intimate sexual relationship, was designed to be expressed only by mature adults in the security of a legal, meaningful, holy marriage relationship.
Sex creates the strongest bond and commitment found in marriage
Sex and romance are obligations in a marriage relationship, and are meant for commitment from one person to a lawful, loving spouse, and vice versa. Sex is therefore for mutual commitment. It is obligatory for a husband or wife in a marriage to make sure that the other mate is FULLY satisfied sexually on a regular basis. Sex should never be one-sided or selfishly expressed by one partner in a marriage. One spouse should not intentionally allow sexual activity only on his or her own terms, or deliberately refuse to participate for mutual enjoyment, or refuse to regard it as an important component of the marriage.
In my opinion, sex should never be used in marriage as:
a) A weapon. b) Punishment. c) Reward. f) Means for selfish gain.
No one can enjoy sexual activity in a marriage if the one is emotionally disturbed, sad, annoyed, confused, afraid, anxious, or unhappy (especially women who are naturally wired by God to be emotional). The emotions of a woman are intimately attached to her sex life and sexual feelings
If offenses, misunderstanding, discontent, fear, anxiety, worry, and anger or bitterness have set in, then the roots of the problems must be properly addressed and dealt with. It should be a concern and a priority of each partner to plan, initiate, and perform to the sexual satisfaction of both partners.
Sex is an expression of love but not a proof of love
Wow! I know that I am stepping on some toes and lighting some fires of controversy. Somebody help me! What I am trying to impress upon us is that you can have sex with your partner ten thousand times and apply all the “bedmatic” gymnastics that you can think of, and still NOT love your sexual partner, if you do not intentionally decide to be a true companion and caregiver for him or her.
If there is no real love generated in the heart that looks out for the welfare, interests, needs, happiness, and progress of the other person, the intercourse or intimacy becomes mere selfish expression of sexuality, carnal enjoyment, and infatuation.
God created sex and associated sex organs for specific purposes
I believe that God created sex in order to: provide us with pleasure, fulfillment, relaxation, and confidence,
create total commitment of each partner to the other in a marriage bond,
symbolize the total oneness of a marriage relationship,
establish the deepest form of communication between two humans, and
establish procreation (childbirth).
teach us to be good stewards (caretakers) of the most valuable physical asset in humans through which new life originates.
The sexual activity in humans is designed by God only for marriage, in order to promote real love that looks out for the interest of the one you have sex with. This is where many women, in particular, make a mistake, thinking that when they allow a man to have sex with them, it “locks him up into love for them.” Some men (and some women) also make similar mistakes by thinking that women (or men) who give their sexuality cheaply to them really love them. A number of men do not realize that some women merely use their sexual powers to seduce men and break their marriages, destroy their successful relationships, rob them of their dignity, and especially drain them of their money, strength, and resources.
When a husband is not happy with his wife at home, and goes out to flirt with a young diabolic and rebelliously immoral school girl, or a cheap lady from his place or work, group, or community, he is fooled into the deception of believing he is receiving better love from his illicit lover who camouflages her evil character by lavishing on him rich food, seductive conversation, demonic-inspired sexual acts, pornographic and immoral messages, exclusive sexual styles, flamboyant and lewd dressing, pungent perfume, and even money and important items in some cases. In many cases the girl will be sapping him of his hard-earned money and strength (physical, moral, and spiritual), but he allows himself to be continuously entrenched in the destructive sexual bondage of wild bodily feelings. People often forget that there are demonic sprits operating behind every evil and carnal act that tends to oppose the will and plans of God, with one purpose --- steal, kill and destroy anyone who will open the doors for them. Jesus said: “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; but I came to give life, that they might have it abundantly” (St. John 10:10). Sometimes some parents, friends, and in-laws, who become satanic agents of marriage and family demolition, are the instigators of such adulteries and marriage violations, especially when they become envious or jealous of the marriage of their brother, sister, or friend, and therefore set out to either become controllers of the marriage and profit from it, or find means to spoil it out of malice.
After being swept off his feet and out of his senses, the man becomes drowned in the destructive deception, and now begins to craft diabolical means for getting rid of the poor wife whom he was actually dying for when he met her.
Sometimes it is the woman who is caught up in such a tragic web, especially when she feels un-loved or begins to become greedy and runs after money and material things. Finally they destroy the marriage and destroy themselves because of sexual lust and greed. Some learn very hard lessons through dreadful diseases and early malfunction of their sexuality, destruction of integrity and reputation, loss of property, loss of a job or important position, problematic children running around causing havoc, and complexities of several family problems. Ultimately they die without helping to solve the problems of the world, but rather add to the problems of a tough world they came to meet but left it worse than they found it.
Familiar stories, eh? That is why we need to rise up and wise up, and begin to speak out against what is morally and sexually wrong, sound the alarm bells, help people to have their eyes opened to the light of the truth, and provide solid teaching about human sexuality, especially to young people, before we drown in the stupor and fiery lakes of sexual misconduct and sexual misuse in our generation.
Written by Rev. Dr. Samuel A. Kisseadoo (Professor of Biology, Hampton University, Hampton, Virginia, USA)
Founder and President, Fruitful Ministries International Inc (Evangelistic & Teaching Christian Ministry).,
Write to: 6 Red Robin Turn, Hampton, Virginia 23669, USA. Or, call: 757-7289330
In Ghana call Fruitful Ministries at: 233-20-8126533 or 233-276-322982 in Accra or 233-244-786658 in Kumasi.
E-mail: [email protected] For additional teaching, visit his Website: www.fruitfulministriesint.com
More information on singleness, sexuality, and marriage, can be obtained in Dr. Kisseadoo's books: “Choosing a spouse and living a contented family life”, “Differences between men and women”, and “Fundamental and special needs of men and women”. Contact Dr. Kisseadoo directly, Fruitful Ministries, or Challenge Bookstores for copies.
Tune in and listen to: “Hope For Your Family” broadcast by Dr. Kisseadoo on JOY 99.7 FM every Sunday at 8:30pm (Ghana time).