When Do We Get To Meet Our Husbands?
I have been to many social outings lately, from the Sundance Film Festival to parties in Vegas, and I keep hearing women talking about wanting to meet their husbands. Really? Are you sure? Why not write a book or take up guitar lessons or go dance by yourself?
“Maybe I'll meet my husband here. I'm so sick of not having a car,” I heard one woman say. Does that mean you're going to meet a guy and he's going to buy you a car and marry you? What is this obsession with marriage? Are you nuts?
Don't get me wrong, I love men and I love my ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands, too. I agree with Charlotte Kasl, who wrote Women, Sex, and Addiction, when she says that your sex life is astronomically better in a committed relationship. (You can hear her talking to me about it on the third episode of “Stirring Up Trouble”) But I think it is tremendously sad that so many women anchor all of their happiness onto whether they get a guy or not. Why don't you make your own money, start your own business, and buy your own car? I think it's rude to place all of that responsibility on men. Why not nurture a strong relationship—an out-of-this-world sex life?
Why not be a whole person and have a relationship with another whole person? That's a hell of a good time!
I have met many women who only wanted to marry for money. That was their goal and they stood by it and they got it. Now those women are in the jailhouse of an unhappy, sexless marriage—but they drive fancy cars and have very heavy diamond rings and they are miserable. What's more important, your freedom or a diamond ring? Do you know how many people died to get you that diamond?
I'm guilty of the desire for a man, too. I'm speaking from experience. I used to have sex just to get a hug. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen on Father's Day—barf—just to be accepted. I got married because I was asked and I had the self-esteem of a peanut. My father taught me that I was nothing without the acceptance of a guy. Well, ladies, many of us got the wrong textbook during our early life lessons, and many of us were raised by wolves. You have to re-parent yourself and grow up.
Women have got to step up and take responsibility for their own lives. Getting a guy doesn't make you whole. If you're not complete and happy you will drive that poor man crazy with your neediness. The Catch-22 in that is that then you become a whole person who doesn't need a guy just to have one; it makes you much more desirable. I also know this from experience. I'm single and I love it. I prefer being by myself and I certainly do not need or want a guy just to have one. That's a big waste of time, money, and energy. The funny thing is that getting to that place revealed an entirely new species of men to me who are also whole humans and not a gaping hole of lack and need for a woman. I would not have even seen any of these good guys back in the day when I was unconscious and buying into the lie that you are nothing without a guy. Now I see them. There are many good men out there—so many! Thank you to all of you good men! Sorry that so many of us women are so nuts. If you only knew the story of why …
Now it's more like, are these men worthy of me, instead of am I worthy of them? To quote Angela Shelton in Virginia, “I now know I am great and I love myself and I'd rather be by myself for the rest of my life than put up with bull ever again.”
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