Struggling To Love
“This is not the man or woman I married,” “I regret ever marrying you,” “I married you out of ignorance,” “I wish I listened to my parents/friends who said I should not get involved with you,” “you are not my kind of wife/husband,” “I wonder what we are doing under the same roof” and finally, they seek divorce/separation. Are all these new to you? No, you would have heard them a million times and then you ask yourself, why did they ever come together in the first place?
Without taking sides or trying to defend grumpy and tired lovers, I sincerely want to admit it could be pretty difficult to stick to someone who's a pain in the neck.
At some point, resentment and even hate become part of the once blooming and romantic union. Let's share in the experience of Justin and Carrie as I chose to call them.
“It's five years I had been living in New York, working hard to establish myself as a young man. There were lots of friends and colleagues to chat up and have good times with, especially at weekends. After a while, questions started coming from different directions regarding who I was actually in love with.
“As usual, I teased and flagged my eight fingers implying I loved all the people around me. Christopher, my very close friend, took the question a bit further by demanding a confirmed evidence of my special date, but I was still slippery. With much pressure, I finally confided in him there was a lady I met and dated back in my country before coming over to reside in New York and that I was still in touch with her and had plans to bring her over to be with me as man and wife.
“Christopher had a really good laugh and later accused me of belonging to the old generation, probably two generations before his father's. All these meant little to me as I thought Carrie would be a good catch for me. She and I had not known for too long and we just had a few times out there together. It's true she's quite an attractive babe, tall and slim but also manifest traits of arrogance which my sister noticed in her very first experience with her.
“When she narrated her encounter, I tended to push it under the cover of women's jealousy and in my naive defence, told her Carrie was still a young girl who had a great chance of changing and becoming a woman that would suit my family and life style.
“What made me think Carrie could be remoulded is totally unclear. We continued seeing each other till I was ready to leave the country.
“Carrie's dreams to be my wife got the better part of her up to the point she could not stay for a day without demanding a word from me to assure her all was well and she was still secure as my future wife.
“When her phone calls came too often than I could bear, my friend suggested I advised her to look for a job and get busy as this would take her mind off the nag. My college friend who's now an executive director in an oil company, got Carrie fixed at work and I sent some money for her to rent a flat and live a comfortable life.
“She was not still satisfied, she kept telling me her life meant more than money and comfort, her lover being away from her was hell and neglect. I had to quickly put a few things in place and sent for her to join me abroad.
“Our problem started as soon as she arrived. I got criticised for everything, snapped at over little things, showed disrespect of the highest order and even had several attempts of abuse. I agree that life abroad was a bit different from what we knew back home, but if my wife had prepared herself to fit, it would have been a lot easier for us. She was not prepared to learn or take counsel from anyone around.
“When life became unbearable, I was forced to ask for divorce but she refused, promising to adjust and make a happy home. After two weeks, she went back to her old ways and the circle of our frustration continued. She accused me basically of not being sensitive to her emotional need as I worked long hours to make money for the family, while I constantly felt she was the most ungrateful human being on the surface of the earth.”
When I heard of their challenges, the only thing I said was compromise, marriage is all about adjusting to suit the other party.
If your relationship has gone sour, try and find a common ground, remind yourselves of the first love and groove again in romance there is no perfect lover anywhere