MY MARRIAGE WITH FRED WAS STRESSFUL...AGATHA

How come you have added so much weight, what did you do?

(Laughs) I think basically what I have discovered is that once you have peace of mind, everything else around you will start increasing. So, I think it is just being at peace with myself. I have put on a lot of weight now. I'm even trying to shed some off. I think a lot of women are under a lot of stress and they don't even know. I realized that once you have peace of mind, every other thing just falls into place.

Were you stressed?

I can't think of anything that has changed except my marriage. I'm now on my own with my children and I think by so doing, I have peace of mind. I was stressed in my marriage.

There are rumours that you are no longer together with your husband.

This is no rumour. It is a statement of fact. It is almost three years since we separated. We are not together, we are separated and that is about it. I don't want to be like so many other women out there who could be enduring one thing or the other in their marriages. I have found that that is the story of lots of women.

I mean a lot of women have come to me, but what I know is that nobody can tell you what to do because nobody is in your shoes. The stress some women may want to go through on their own, some other women may not be able to handle it. You have to look at yourself and your marriage and ask yourself, can I do this? Is this what I want for myself? There is one thing I always remember and it is the fact that I have just one life to live and there is no duplicate, there is no replacement. If you are abused in your marriage and you want to remain there due to what people will say if you opt out, remember that society cannot determine the state of your happiness. You are the only one who can. And the only person in this planet earth you owe any explanation is yourself. Outside this planet earth is your God. Those are the two people. If you know that you have done the best you can and you cannot cope, then you don't do anything.

Why didn't you remain in your matrimony at least for the sake of your two children?

Yes, that is what people have always been saying. That is what people say, 'only for the sake of your children, your children have only a few years with you after that you are back to being by yourself. At the very most, by the time they enter university, just know it that they are gone'. And what do you do with yourself, the rest of your time? Whatever you do with your eyes open, don't ever regret it. That is what I have learnt to do. I will never ever live the life of regret; so do whatever it is that you know your conscience tells you. I believe in every one of us that there is something God has put in us that tells you when you are right or wrong and what we can or cannot do. If you are not being truthful to yourself and just pretending because of what people will say, you are just fooling yourself. And the worst fool is somebody that fools herself.

Someone once said that divorce does not favour women, what's your view on this?

That's his own opinion. He is entitled to his opinion. To be very honest, this is a man's society, so he is entitled to his opinion. If a woman should say that, I will say she is a very lucky and very blessed woman for the husband she has married because she doesn't know what a lot of women are going through. I don't judge for other people, I don't try to live other people's lives. I can only speak for myself. If I do the best I can, and I see that it's not improving anything, and between myself and my God, I know I have given it my all because even if I fool everybody else, I can't fool God.

How will you counsel people who want to opt out of matrimony?

A lot of women come to me. A woman has come to me totally battered and bruised, her face swollen. I have had a woman come to me who was thrown from upstairs down, I have had a woman who lost one ear from a slap and I still say the same thing; nobody can decide for you. You have to talk to yourself, you have to seek God's face and then be truthful to yourself, because at the end of the day, you are the one who is going through it. We can all sympathize with you. I know what I'm going through as a single parent right now. So, I cannot tell somebody else how to live their lives. I can't say because this happened to me and I did this therefore you too you must do this. It doesn't work that way. I can only tell you from my own experience and then you have to make up your own mind based on your own situation.

What does it feel like being a single parent for three years now? Is it not boring?

I don't think it is a big deal. Like I told you, it is something I have thought about. That's not to say it is easy especially because you want only the best for your children and you know that what is really best is for them to have both parents. That is what is really best. But, I also believe that an unhappy home is probably worse than a separated home. I don't want my children to have the wrong idea about relationships. For me, it's okay. I mean, I'm very close to my children, they are my best friends. I don't go out. It's very rare to find me at a party or something. When you see me somewhere, my children are somewhere nearby. There is nothing that my son cannot ask me or tell me. There is nothing that we cannot talk about. That also goes with my daughter. They sleep in my room. When I come back from work, they both hug me. My son is not a child, he is 14 and my daughter is nine. So, it's not like they are children but we have a very strong bond that we are all comfortable with. So, even if something is troubling him or her, they come to me to tell me. And if they annoy me and I shout, my son would say mummy, 'I know you must have been very stressed today' and he would say sorry. When they see I'm not just in a good mood, they would leave me and come back later and they would ask me, are you in a better mood now? I would smile. I think my children make the load easier to carry.