Women & Relationships
Men! How we love them and hate them. We just can't do without them. The bane of our existence, yet the most adorable creatures in the world. Men, they say, are from 'Mars' which makes them fierce, brave and independent.
It is the desire of every woman to find her better half. Marriage is something that every human being wants to experience. It is a wonderful institution. It has the power to make or mar you. Daily in churches, we see people sowing seeds and going for deliverance just to be married.
Single ladies are praying for marriage while the married ones are even looking for a way out of it. A good number of married people are living in regret. So many are there, wondering when it will all end. I have seen a married woman praying to God to either kill her or the husband.
All these arise simply because we just jump into marriage without knowing a good idea of what it is all about. We just see a man and fall in love with him without using our tongue to count our teeth. Some relationships are forced on the woman by the family, leaving her in agony the rest of her life. There is this other group that just fall in love with the wealth of the guy and feel that is all to marriage.
I just want to open our eyes to the things we shouldn't ignore before saying “I do”. No matter how much that infatuation is, please do all you can now that there is day because the night is coming.
Avoid The Rush
When you meet a guy who is interested in you, please don't rush into commitment. Look very well before you leap. There are lots of fake men all over town. A lot of them will come to you in the name of marriage. All they want is to sleep with you but you fail to realise it because of your desperation, don't let the good looks and polished image deceive you. When a relationship comes to an end, I have come to realise that most ladies feel bad not because they lost the man but because they had already given their body to him.
Even when the guy is genuinely interested in you and wants marriage, I know you are too desperate not to lose him, but it would be better to have him go than live the rest of your life in agony. That is why I speak against those churches that will tell you not to court a man you want to get married to. All I say is, don't engage in those things you shouldn't do. But please, spend time with the man; go on several dates with him. Assess him spiritually, emotionally, materially and all that. Six months is a very short time for courtship. I have found out, from experience, that no matter how much a woman or man tries to hide his/her real self, after six months into courtship, they begin to manifest.
You are scared to lose him, I know, but I have never seen any responsible and sane man who will trade a good woman for anything. Most times during courtship, women ignore the things that make them real women. Yes, we have to go on a date sometimes, but have you thought of cooking for the guy? Your making up your mind to cook, is it for you to exploit the guy and enrich yourself? A friend told me a story about a girl he wanted to get married to. Just for a pot of stew that is eaten once, she takes N15,000 from him. He didn't feel bad initially, but when the food was brought to him, it turned out tasteless.
Girl, please get into your mother's kitchen and learn. Enough of the big girl attitude with an empty brain. Why get into a marriage and leave yourself at the mercy of professional cooks? You may not know this, but your man is not proud of you. I encourage inter-tribal marriages if that is what God wants for you, but please understand his culture and make effort to learn how to prepare his local dishes.
Avoid Mummy's Boy
Sad to say, but so many men we call men are nothing but weaklings. If you are into a relationship with a boy, fine, tolerate him, but if he is a man, then let him become one. I see no reason why a man should be rushing to his mother and siblings at the slightest disagreement with his woman. He is not a man. Some men even seek their mother's opinion when they want to do things for the woman. Please, please, avoid these ones.
I am one person who does not joke with the elderly; I believe I should take care of my mother-in-law just like my own mother. But at the same time, issues relating to my home should be left just within the home. A man who cannot protect you from friends and family is not fit to be a husband.
Does He Respect You?
I have received a lot of questions from readers asking if they should go ahead with a relationship where the man is violent, insensitive, and insults them at the slightest opportunity. I may not tell you to walk out of that relationship, but the fact remains that if he slaps you now, when you sign the dotted lines, he will graduate to beating you. How does he talk to you among friends and relations?
Does He Care?
Does he pick interest in issues concerning you? Girl, you don't need a selfish man in your life. I always tell girls to avoid exploiting a man simply because he is in love. This is the case with most Nigerian ladies. You want to eat and buy everything once the man takes you shopping. Yes, a man who really loves you must take care of you because love gives. But please don't make him go beyond his limit. Also watch his reactions whenever you come up with problems that call for his finance. Read his facial expressions. If he does it grudgingly, chances are he will stop doing it once you say “I do”.
A good number of Nigerian men are very selfish. All they want is to sleep with a woman. They don't want any form of commitment. They feel you are an adult and should be able to take care of yourself. Yes, I encourage women to do all within their power to assist a man financially, but that shouldn't take the responsibility away from the man.
A man who loves you should bother about your upkeep, job, health, relations. They say love is blind, but I am one person who believes that love shouldn't be blind in any way. He goes on telling you how much you mean to him, he refers to you as the only honey in his mouth. Girl, after all the recitations, please let him show it. Some guys don't want to have anything to do with your family. These ones tell you they are in love with you only and not your family. Please run for your dear life because he will kill and bury you with nobody asking after you.
Is It All About Money?
Nigerian men get it wrong when it comes to relationship and money. I have taken these past weeks to hold conversations with my male friends on this issue. A good number of them feel money is of utmost importance in a relationship. Well, maybe it is to you, but I value time and companionship more than money. I want to be made to feel valued and desired. Yes, money adds flavour to it all, but at the same time, it has ruined so many relationships.
I was sometime in a relationship where all I see was money. People outside envy you so much because they see you in the best of cars and houses. They see you travel overseas on vacation. They see you in the best designer wear. All people saw in me was the best life on earth. But behind the beautiful lady in a beautiful car is a girl dying to be loved and appreciated. They failed to see a girl whose best companion were cars and designer wears.
I spent those so called good times in wonderful hotels and shopping malls abroad all alone because the guy is somewhere making money with friends. The trips meant nothing to me because they all added to my stress. I could have made up my mind to be unfaithful like so many ladies out there and have another guy by my side over there, but I decided to take a walk.
I write this because God brought me out of it and gave me a happier life. I would have been dead with the sleepless nights of endless tears. I saw money and the so called good life, but I can tell you now that not all that glitters is gold. I have seen men who give all those good things to women but still respect and adore them. They make sure they spend quality time with the woman they love while giving her the good things of life. Please ask God for this man.
Does He Always Complain?
I got a sms from a lady who wanted advice on how best to handle a relationship where all the man sees is negative about her. I know a lot of Nigerian ladies are going through this. One thing that makes a man complain constantly is low self-esteem. He has heard stories about other women, he is just coming out from a very bitter experience, he feels you are too sophisticated for him yet he won't let go, he knows you are more educated and exposed than he is.
When you find yourself in a relationship with a man who has this terrible disease called low self-esteem, you are doomed. He will do anything possible to ruin your career, business, and your life. I have seen men go to their partner's office just to insult her before customers and colleagues. If you don't handle it now, you will wake up one day to find this guy who can't stand you out of his sight but can't stand the sight of you. He wants you to have nothing in your life but him. Girl, it's either you do something to help him out of that (unfortunately most Nigerian guys are arrogant) or run for your dear life.
Yes, this is about the things you have to avoid in men before marriage. Next week, I will let you know those things that can make a man (a mentally stable and responsible man) go places for you.