Firing Tantrums, Ignoring Issues: The Making of an Attack Elephant

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reuben abati

Honestly I will always love this country. Reason: at least one thing amuses me daily. Thus, arithmetically, it is a place you get 365 jokes annually. If it were in human form, Nigeria and not Ali Baba would presently be regarded as the Doyen of Contemporary Comedy.


Since the return of presidency's attack dog (sorry attack lion aka Doyin Okupe), the chief executive officer of the President's image-making department has been fidgeting. It is comprehensible. Like naija's weather, where the sun sometimes in a twinkle of an eye take over the dark clouds, the gentleman suddenly found where the offensive corner of his voice is situated, spitting contagious barrage of projectiles, the type that would make Agni green with envy.


Come to think of it, Agni and Abati (which I will subsequently call “Him” in this piece) do have a seeming semblance. Not just in names but in description. Agni in case you don't know is the Vedic god of fire. He has two heads; one marks immortality and the other marks an unknown symbol of life. “Him” (as we now know) too has two; one marks a man with an undying comrade spirit of (hitherto) fighting for the masses and the other marks a sturdy bullet-proof, ready to shield his principal even if it means going six-foot down.


“Him” has infuriated not a few “They and I wish him well in his new found passion of dissing his boss's critics. That he similized Mr Jonathan with Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and Kwame Nkrumah is not even an issue. Anyone has a right to his/her opinion – whether sensible or not. If I like, I can compare my father to Jesus Christ and whoever thinks it amounts to blasphemy should take me to Heaven's court; Gani Fawehinmi will be my attorney.


However, the description of the rest of us (or “They” according to him) as “cynics, the pestle-wielding critics, unrelenting, self-appointed activists, idle and idling, twittering, collective children of anger, distracted crowd of Facebook addicts and BBM-pinging soap opera gossips of Nigeria” is the height of “Him's” ill-mannered disposition to his former friends. Yes, formers friends, since he has chosen to be for them and against us. Twitter, BBM, Facebook et al are medium he and his Oga used/uses to communicate with family, associates and Nigerians. By cursing the users, he is telling you and me to “go and roast in hell if you're uncomfortable with villa's happenings”.


It is utterly surprising that “Him is scared of sack; I thought he used to say he wasn't. Sigh. I imagine “Him” if that happens. It is either a High Blood Pressure, returning to The Guardian, overseas trip for a refresher-course or becoming a full-time media consultant. Whichever he selects, we will – for a job well-done – give him a rousing welcome on a carpet I can't yet tell the colour. But what I can tell is we shall list his peccancies from day one of his appointment in paperback. I can also tell that just like his predecessor did, he will write a book about his job at Aso Rock. Already, he has given an “expo” in the contentious article; “I have spent the last fourteen months working with President Jonathan. I have followed him everywhere. I can write a whole book on his Presidency so far, but you won't get to read that until much later. I have heard that some people are protesting that they will not buy the book if it gets written. Well, your choice.” Bros! true true na our choice, abi na you dey feed us!


Let's see if the book will be as hot as Segun Adeniyi's Power, Politics and Death – interesting but rather expensive since they all wanna be millionaires (pardon my American accent). I am sure pirates are working on that. “Him's” book may be titled “The Rise of a Shoeless Ijaw Son” or “An Achiever and His Fellow Countrymen” or GEJ: Triumph in The Face of Boko Haram Fiasco”. I have more and will name his book only if he leaks the manuscript, free of charge so long I am given credit.


Here's my counsel to “Him; please desist from bawling out crackers and focus on issues; there are a thousand and one begging for answers/explanation. “Him” unfortunately does not know he is too big for name-calling and cat and dog fights. It appears “Him” wants to start doing the bidding of our unofficial assistant President, Madam Umblerrah, in order to save his head from the hovering axe. Hahaahaaaa!


Well, since someone has promoted himself from an attack dog to attack lion that roars at every step around his territory, it is in order to christen Abati an attack elephant that 'trumphetizes' the ants of the forest till they go underground.


Chai! I still dey laugh.

By Wale Odunsi
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Articles by Wale Odunsi