Intimate Partner Violence

Whether he killed her or not is yet to be determined. But a non-contestable fact is that she’s dead. She’s become another statistic in the unfortunate growing number of women losing the battle to domestic violence/abuse. It gets one wondering and asking, for how much longer will we continue to lose precious women to domestic violence and abuse?

Last week, the news was agog with the breaking of the death of a pediatric consultant at Lagos University Teaching Hospital, Idi Araba, Dr. Hestianna Thomas. I think of the precious children she has left behind. I look at their picture and tears fill my eyes. She was beautiful, and brainy. She was a consultant! With the kind of head injuries she was reported to have had, could she have inflicted those on herself? If she wanted to end her life, would she have made it slow by taking herself out in bits? Why would she have wanted to kill herself? That’s the husband’s claim anyway. Will someone ask him questions? The right questions? Will she be allowed to just be another sorry case to be forgotten with time?

In times past, women were the sole victims of domestic violence and abuse, they were at the receiving end. Statistics retrieved from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/) says that 1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Do we have the statistics for Nigeria? Or we’re merely sweeping it under the carpet and terming it “family problem”? Are there men being abused by their partners? Recently, a male OAP put out pictures of injuries he said his wife inflicted on him. Did we believe him? Do we believe him? Women are fighting back these days. They’re getting to the edge and turning on their abusers. Out of depression, or frustration, or a combination of both and other issues, they are attacking their oppressors and sometimes killing them. Can we pause to think about the effect of that? We’ll have a rise in orphaned children or children with one parent behind bars because they killed the other parent, more street children, more destitutes, more vulnerable children, the list goes on and on. Our society is over burdened by social ills already, we can’t afford to make it worse, simply because of the choice of one person.

Some close few years ago, the story of the Lagos banker, Titilayo Arowolo was a hit. I’m sure she did not want to get into the limelight that way. I’m sure she envisioned a blissful life with the man she gave her heart to, and planned on being around long enough to see her beautiful daughter become a mom too. She was cheated out of experiencing the milestones in the life of her child. She was denied the joy of motherhood, cuddling her baby girl. The little girl was denied the love of a mother, and if the court judgement on her dad stands, she comes an orphan. Titi trusted her man to love her and be her rock, be her protector from outside influence and danger. Unfortunately, the same man that was to be there for her, took her out of the world, leaving a gaping hole in the heart of her parents and loved ones.

We have another case on our hands now. Dr. Hestianna Thomas, unfortunately, we can’t bring her back. Unfortunately, her kids will grow up, connecting with her only through pictures and the testimonies of those that knew their mom. Another woman that trusted her man enough to give her all to him has gone down, paid the ultimate price, simply because she loved.

Who will be sensible? Who will stand away from the crowd? Is this a responsibility for the government? Does it lie in the hands of law enforcement agencies? Is our culture to blame? Is religion doing us more harm than good? Or, is it all the fault of individuals? How are we bringing up our children? What are we pumping into the heads of our sons? Are we raising dutiful, beautiful and intelligent daughters to be killed by our sons? Which agencies are there to help out women, and men, in domestic abusive relationships? Are there enough competent counsellors?

Questions, questions and unending questions.

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Articles by Toyin Adepoju