Pain: My Healing Process

By Halima Layeni
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Halima Layeni

Pain

I am a living proof that anyone can turn things around. From a nadir of emotions in which I struggled with abuse and resentment, I have willed myself to focus on the strength I possess and the fact that I alone can determine how my life turns out.

My father was a business man and my mother was a full house wife. Her whole life was dedicated to taking care of us and protecting us. My mother was over protective of us because we were all girls. Over the years I realized you cannot always be there for your child, no one has control over an abuse.

My sexual abuse started when I was about six years old and it went on and on up until when I was about eleven, most of it came from friends and family who were meant to protect me. I never talked to anyone about it because right from when I was a child I've been used to keeping things to myself.

For a very long time I didn't want to be alive because of my scars. I was always angry at everything and anyone who couldn't relate to the fact that I was angry at life even if I never told anyone anything. I had to struggle with pain, rejection, depression, hate, unforgiveness and anger. The first 15-years of my life until my healing were the most challenging.

I chose to let my abuse mold me into someone I could never be proud of. It was a deep cut. It was easy to blame everything I was on my experience as a bitter person and give excuses for who I was. To an extent, my abuse was the reason to be the way I was but I had a choice to either play by the rules, blame it on the society or restart my life and start thinking differently.

After all my bad experiences and all the struggles I had going on in my life, I looked at my life and I came to the conclusion that I was a total failure. I focused on my weaknesses. Even when I had the courage to do something I often expected it not to turn out well so I never tried. I had the mind of a failure, I had the attitude of a failure and so I failed at virtually everything.

My Healing Process
I found comfort in God's love and peace and I was consoled by his promises for my life. I started by forgiving myself. I realized true forgiveness comes from within and the ability to forgive myself and everyone who abused me enough for us to finally see the light.

I accepted myself and embraced my scars and fears. I stopped seeing myself as the victim but as the message. I didn't have the slighted idea of why those things happened but I knew it was part of God's plan for my life and I'm thankful that he chose me to fight this fight.

I found myself, I strongly believed in myself and everything I stood for. I started focusing on my strength and gradually my life began to take a new turn. I set realistic goals for myself, discovered my purpose and followed my most intense obsessions mercilessly.

Getting over my abuse was a huge step but it was a stepping stone into getting over other issues in my life. My abuse laid the foundation of strength and power. I am at a very good place in my life right now and there is no turning back.

I have a beautiful life, a life I am proud of. Regardless of what I have been through I will end up with the most amazing man, have wonderful children, build a great life and live happily ever after.




HALIMA LAYENI
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