Want a lasting marriage? Intimacy does it better than sex

My husband does not like talking and he rarely talks to me, even in bed, but he wants sex almost everyday. He sees sex as a way of connection and a sign of love. Really, I don't have problem with his desires for sex, so I allow him when he needs it, but I'm worried that there is no intimate feeling between us,' says a woman who simply identified herself as Mrs. Esther.

This sounds as a regular line among couples, hence, the reason for the argument; what makes a lasting marriage, sex or intimate communication?

In a report by Vanessa Burton, published on familylife.com, participants in a study on communication and importance of sex for women in relationships shared their thoughts on sex and intimacy. All the participants were either married, divorced or engaged.

One of them, Nancy, who is 50 years old, said, 'Before sex comes communication and if you don't have that in a relationship, it is doomed. If my husband even remotely felt that I was not interested, he would let me know rather than carry feelings of resentment or inadequacy around. Communication brings balance and joy in the home.'

Also, Lucy, 35, a divorcee, said her ex-husband stopped showing her the kind of affection he did when they were dating. 'When we dated, we made love at least once a day, and not just quickie sex either. Suddenly, I was lucky if he kissed me once a week.'

Jennifer, another 39-year-old participant in the study who is currently engaged, said, 'Sex is not that important. After all, what is sex going to do for a couple if they are not compatible with each other. My boyfriend and I experiment and have sex very often now, but once we are married, sex will definitely take a backseat to more important issues.

Another participant, Suzan, who is 20 and currently dating, said if her boyfriend wanted sex, she would give it to him because she does not see it as a big deal. 'It is important, yes, but I think that sex usually dies down once a couple gets married. That's just the way it works.'

The report says having a happy home goes beyond sex in different styles and techniques, and that, even though the importance of sex in marriage cannot be over-emphasised, good sex is not enough to have a happy home or lasting marriage.

It adds that couples' inability to identify and meet the needs of their spouses is a major cause of misunderstanding in many homes.

It explains that the need for sex by either the husband or wife could differ. While the husband could want more sex to feel close to his wife, she may not. Also, the wife may want to feel close by way of communication first before having sex while the man may not see why sex does not help her to feel close.

The report adds that it is important for couples to ensure their compatibility in other fields of relationship apart from sex for a lasting marriage. It notes that finding a sexually compatible partner is different from finding a sexually compatible woman that would interest the man for the rest of his life.

Nigerian women who spoke to Saturday Breeze share same opinion with women in this report. In addition, the women who pleaded anonymity claim most men in this part of the world are not romantic. They say what most men want is sex and not intimate relationship.

'All that most men want is sex. Oftentimes, they don't care if their wives are in the mood or not, and such men rarely last more than two rounds, which takes just few minutes, leaving their wives hanging all the time.

'You would also find out that once such men reach orgasm, they are tired and usually sleep off. In such situations, the needs of the wife have not been met, which creates an imbalance. Whereas, communicating more with your spouse helps in managing the home with relative ease.

'Women want love, care, affection and intimate relationship than sex but most men don't pay attention to that. But they can get this fact through intimacy if the husband could do that for her and the wife makes herself available for him, then there would be peace and joy in the family,' they said.

But, Mr. Ibukun Alao, feels sex is important in keeping couples together. 'Sex creates bond between two people and the more you do it in marriage, the closer you are to your wife. If she has a need, the man should also be willing to attend to her. It creates balance and makes everybody happy.'

However, consultant psychiatrist, Dr. Adeoye Oyewole, says even though sex, which is a form of communication in marriage, is good, it cannot, on its own, sustain a relationship. He said conversation, just like sex, is part of communication, which is essential in sustaining a marriage and that communication makes sex love making rather than just having sex.

He said, 'What is most important in keeping a marriage alive is communication which could lead to sex when done right. Communication could be verbal or non-verbal. It is the non-verbal aspect that is missing in this part of the world. Africans are very crude and primitive.

'Communication goes beyond talking. If the husband doesn't listen to her, remember her birthday or things that are important to her, show her affection, love, care and concern, even if such a man has all the sex techniques and styles, it is useless. If there are unresolved issues between them and if they don't respect themselves, they cannot have good sex because sexual techniques is not the same as good sex in marriage.

'It is the sex that reinforces communication and connectivity between couples; that is good sex. It may be half round, while somebody could have five rounds of sex and it won't be good sex in the content of love.

'We have put too much emphasis on sex, and that is why our marriages are not working because sex is only an integral part of marriage; it is not all that marriage entails. So, we need more than sex to keep marriage going, and communication does it better.'

Oyewole stressed that having a happy home goes beyond sex and that an intelligent expression of what they mean to each other matters, which is why couples should understand and do what the other person wants.

'Many musicians sing about sex like, 'I'm going to have sex with you till I die,' 'Sex is in the air' and other funny lyrics, despite all those, marriages are not lasting because keeping a home goes beyond sex,' he added.